Feeling down

Darling little one, Sorry been feeling down recently. My world is falling to pieces currently and it is taking all my effort to remain positive. I did have a lovely holiday with my nieces and nephews but I was surrounded by pregnant women and toddlers. It made me think of you, which was good, but also the sadness of not having the children permanently in my life. My wife told me she intended to get sterilised last night to make sure I knew there was no chance of her having children. It was a massive blow - as you know I have hoped and hoped that she would change her mind, but now I know it is not going to happen. I suppose I have a choice now. Stay and hope that at some point we will get to meet each other ro go and make a new life for myself. Times like this are really hard for people. People on the whole do not like change - it frightens them, and I am no different. I have been with her for 20 years and this will be a horrific change for me. Sometimes we need to make the hard choices to get what we want and I am afraid sooner or later you will face a tough decision. It is worse because it comes so soon after making the decision not to try and force myself into your life. That was the honourable and right thing to do though so in some ways it is easier. Sorry that you have to read about this, but I promised you the highs and lows and experience. I love you. Been too long since I told you that. I love you more than anything else. Love always xxxx

Another holiday

Daling little one, I hope that you are growing and enjoying your time in the womb! I am off on holiday again with my nieces and nephews. It is going to be wonderful to see them again and to play and just have children around me. It does make me slightly sad about our position but I have no power over that so I will make the most of what I have. I do miss seeing you grow and think of it often. I still dream of you many times and it is a comfort. I wish it were more. I still feel that shiver of excitement whenever I think of you, I just cannot stop myself. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I will always love the idea of you even if I cannot give you the love I want to give you. I will try and write whilst I am holiday. Thinking of you always. With love xxx