Another holiday

Daling little one, I hope that you are growing and enjoying your time in the womb! I am off on holiday again with my nieces and nephews. It is going to be wonderful to see them again and to play and just have children around me. It does make me slightly sad about our position but I have no power over that so I will make the most of what I have. I do miss seeing you grow and think of it often. I still dream of you many times and it is a comfort. I wish it were more. I still feel that shiver of excitement whenever I think of you, I just cannot stop myself. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I will always love the idea of you even if I cannot give you the love I want to give you. I will try and write whilst I am holiday. Thinking of you always. With love xxx

Missed you

Darling Little One, I am finally back from being away. The hardest thing about it was not being able to write to you. I miss this contact, where I can share my thoughts and life with you. Obviously there is lots I do not talk about, not because I don't want to, but because this is about you and me. I have thought about you a lot and how much I want to be a father. I am now convinced that I will not be giving you a half brother or sister in my marriage. It saddens me greatly. I suppose the problem is that I have so much to give to a child and I really want to give a life to someone that is everything it can be. I apreciate that if I am your father, I have partly achieved that, but it is the life experience and love that I want to give. I am pushing 40 now and these dreams are just receding. It is a constant source of sorrow for me. I hope that you have an opportunity to have a family. I would urge you to take that oppportunity earlier rather than later like your mum did. If you find someone to have a child with, make sure early on that they understand that. And please understand that when you are young it often seems like an imposition to have children, but most of us change our minds when we get older. I mean this advice in the best possible way - you have to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. I am doing that now, but my regrets are great. I do not want you to suffer in the same way I am. I love you Little One. xxx

Sad me.

Little one, Today has been a real struggle. Dreaming of you seems to have unleashed a torrent of emotions. I cannot lie to you, I really want to be with you. I have spent the whole day just thinking about you and how you are so special. What can I do? Some cultures in this world think that multiple parents are a good thing. Some tribes treat all men as the fathers to all the children. I do not want to disrupt your family but there must be some way that I can be with you. I cannot bear the idea of trying to do it by suing your parents. They will just hate me and that could so easily be projected onto you. I cannot suppress my feelings though and how do I live with myself? I have had a good cry, but I do not think the tears ever stop inside. I used to be happy all the time. Now I am not. One of my friends suggested counselling but I do not know how it will help. You are all I want. I miss you. Love always xx

Maybe a bit of a break

My child, I am sorry, I probably not going to be posting much for a week. I will be looking after what may be your cousins whilst my sister in law goes on holiday. Much as I am looking forward to it, I am sure that it is just going to make being apart from you even harder. I suppose it is one of the few chances I get to be with children in a family situation. As you may have guessed that is what I want in my life. Sorry, I am sitting here crying again. This is just miserable for me. The only thing that keeps me going is hope, and with everyday that your mother ignores me the hope just recedes. I do not know how I will cope once you are born. You are the joy of my life, yet before you I was sort of happy. Now I am just sad almost all the time. I do not want to feel this way anymore. Should I give up this blog? Should I give you up? Should I give up hope? And even if I do what is left for me now? I have tasted fatherhood and it is now an almost insatiable urge to be a parent. And to do that I need to really radically change my life, hurt just about everyone I love who is left to me, and, well, start again. I could have done it with your mother. But she didn't want it. I so wish she did. This was supposed to be a happy post telling you about family you don't even know you have and about how much I love children. I could have deleted the text, but it is important you realise that your actions have consequences. You are a consequence of mine, and whilst your life is the greatest miracle ever, the consequences for me are possibly a lifetime of regret - not about you, but about my missed opportunities, and my failings. You are the greatest thing that I have ever been part of. I love you darling child so very much.