Maybe a bit of a break

My child, I am sorry, I probably not going to be posting much for a week. I will be looking after what may be your cousins whilst my sister in law goes on holiday. Much as I am looking forward to it, I am sure that it is just going to make being apart from you even harder. I suppose it is one of the few chances I get to be with children in a family situation. As you may have guessed that is what I want in my life. Sorry, I am sitting here crying again. This is just miserable for me. The only thing that keeps me going is hope, and with everyday that your mother ignores me the hope just recedes. I do not know how I will cope once you are born. You are the joy of my life, yet before you I was sort of happy. Now I am just sad almost all the time. I do not want to feel this way anymore. Should I give up this blog? Should I give you up? Should I give up hope? And even if I do what is left for me now? I have tasted fatherhood and it is now an almost insatiable urge to be a parent. And to do that I need to really radically change my life, hurt just about everyone I love who is left to me, and, well, start again. I could have done it with your mother. But she didn't want it. I so wish she did. This was supposed to be a happy post telling you about family you don't even know you have and about how much I love children. I could have deleted the text, but it is important you realise that your actions have consequences. You are a consequence of mine, and whilst your life is the greatest miracle ever, the consequences for me are possibly a lifetime of regret - not about you, but about my missed opportunities, and my failings. You are the greatest thing that I have ever been part of. I love you darling child so very much.