Low ebb

My darling child, Sorry I have not posted for a few days. Things are really difficult at the moment. I feel empty. The truth is that I have really screwed up what I have and lost what I wanted most. I am just living a fantasy that somehow I might get to be part of your life, but I know it is not going to happen, and that is what is hurting me. I tried to talk to your mum about it to let her know that I really do want this but she closed up. I tried to talk to my wife about it and she just got even more upset and demanded that I cut off your mother entirely. I know that I have only myself to blame. I need to let you go but I simply cannot escape the feelings. I spoke to my best friend about it at the weekend. She understood: she is a mother. And the problem is that something in my brain is now turned on... a switch marked daddy... and I can't turn it off. No matter how much I try to explain this to either of them, they cannot comprehend it. I think that your mum thinks I should just turn off the feelings and deal with her and your dad bringing you up, and my wife cannot understand why I would want to be in the situation. I have to say I just feel utterly alone and dejected. It is like having a big Christmas present that you know is there but you are never allowed to open it. I really hate this situation and myself for being so stupid. I should have done something different but I do not know what. I wish I was your proper daddy - you are all I think about. Life sometimes does kick you and sometimes you do stay down for a while. I know I need to be stronger - for my family, and for your family, but I don't know where the strength is going to come from. I finally understand what despair means. I hope that you never feel this way. I love you.