Missed you

Darling Little One, I am finally back from being away. The hardest thing about it was not being able to write to you. I miss this contact, where I can share my thoughts and life with you. Obviously there is lots I do not talk about, not because I don't want to, but because this is about you and me. I have thought about you a lot and how much I want to be a father. I am now convinced that I will not be giving you a half brother or sister in my marriage. It saddens me greatly. I suppose the problem is that I have so much to give to a child and I really want to give a life to someone that is everything it can be. I apreciate that if I am your father, I have partly achieved that, but it is the life experience and love that I want to give. I am pushing 40 now and these dreams are just receding. It is a constant source of sorrow for me. I hope that you have an opportunity to have a family. I would urge you to take that oppportunity earlier rather than later like your mum did. If you find someone to have a child with, make sure early on that they understand that. And please understand that when you are young it often seems like an imposition to have children, but most of us change our minds when we get older. I mean this advice in the best possible way - you have to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. I am doing that now, but my regrets are great. I do not want you to suffer in the same way I am. I love you Little One. xxx

Low ebb

My darling child, Sorry I have not posted for a few days. Things are really difficult at the moment. I feel empty. The truth is that I have really screwed up what I have and lost what I wanted most. I am just living a fantasy that somehow I might get to be part of your life, but I know it is not going to happen, and that is what is hurting me. I tried to talk to your mum about it to let her know that I really do want this but she closed up. I tried to talk to my wife about it and she just got even more upset and demanded that I cut off your mother entirely. I know that I have only myself to blame. I need to let you go but I simply cannot escape the feelings. I spoke to my best friend about it at the weekend. She understood: she is a mother. And the problem is that something in my brain is now turned on... a switch marked daddy... and I can't turn it off. No matter how much I try to explain this to either of them, they cannot comprehend it. I think that your mum thinks I should just turn off the feelings and deal with her and your dad bringing you up, and my wife cannot understand why I would want to be in the situation. I have to say I just feel utterly alone and dejected. It is like having a big Christmas present that you know is there but you are never allowed to open it. I really hate this situation and myself for being so stupid. I should have done something different but I do not know what. I wish I was your proper daddy - you are all I think about. Life sometimes does kick you and sometimes you do stay down for a while. I know I need to be stronger - for my family, and for your family, but I don't know where the strength is going to come from. I finally understand what despair means. I hope that you never feel this way. I love you.