Sometimes it is difficult to write

Darling Little One I am not sure why I have found it difficult to write recently. I am sorry that it is the case that I have. I suppose it is mainly because you could arrive in the world at any time and I have to confess… I am scared. I’m scared of so much. I am scared of never seeing you. Of never knowing the truth about you. Of never knowing you. I suppose it is a bit of a cop out. You mean the world to me and as everything else in my life is crumbling, you are my ray of light, the proof that the future is worthwhile. I need to tell you what else is going on. I am getting divorced. My wife blames you, or rather, she blames your mother for this, but it is not the case. Well, not directly anyway: she and I want different things. I want a happy, normal marriage and children and she does not. This has made our relationship impossible to continue. You have made all this happy and I am so grateful to you for just being you and your mother for showing me another way. I never wanted to hurt my wife, but she has hurt me so much over the last few years and you made me realise what was important to me. I will try and continue with this blog. You are worth it, but in some ways I feel that I should let you go, not because I want to, but it would be easier for everyone involved. But either way my heart truly belongs to you. I love you. xxxx

Conquering our fears

Little one, I have something to admit to you. I am terrified of the dentist. It is a silly fear but we all have our phobias reasonable or not. It started off when I was eleven and having a number of teeth taken out. I just refused to go after that. When I met your mum, she told me that I should go. As you know I have a lot of respect for your mum, and I did listen to a lot of the things she said. It still took me six months to go, but with the support of a very good friend I went along yesterday. The big chair was as scary as I remember it being, but the dentist did put me at ease straight away. After an examination and some X-rays he told me that I had great teeth, but they were very dirty. He has booked me in for a clean later in the month. The point is that scared as I was I was able to make myself do it. Sometimes we have to challenge our fears and do something about it. I have little to be scared of really, and my biggest fear is really not knowing about whether you are truly my child and never getting to see you if you are. That challenge puts everything else into perspective and is one that sadly seems as far away from solving as ever as I do not want to hurt your mum or your dad. I'm sorry if that means we never meet. It is all I really want. Love always x