Sometimes it is difficult to write

Darling Little One I am not sure why I have found it difficult to write recently. I am sorry that it is the case that I have. I suppose it is mainly because you could arrive in the world at any time and I have to confess… I am scared. I’m scared of so much. I am scared of never seeing you. Of never knowing the truth about you. Of never knowing you. I suppose it is a bit of a cop out. You mean the world to me and as everything else in my life is crumbling, you are my ray of light, the proof that the future is worthwhile. I need to tell you what else is going on. I am getting divorced. My wife blames you, or rather, she blames your mother for this, but it is not the case. Well, not directly anyway: she and I want different things. I want a happy, normal marriage and children and she does not. This has made our relationship impossible to continue. You have made all this happy and I am so grateful to you for just being you and your mother for showing me another way. I never wanted to hurt my wife, but she has hurt me so much over the last few years and you made me realise what was important to me. I will try and continue with this blog. You are worth it, but in some ways I feel that I should let you go, not because I want to, but it would be easier for everyone involved. But either way my heart truly belongs to you. I love you. xxxx

Dreams again

Darling Little One, I never ceases to amaze me that I remember dreams about you. I never remember my dreams and it makes me so happy. You always seem to be a laughing toddler and I wonder if that will change as you get older. The only other dream that I had was of you being born. This obviously is not a premonition as I will not be there. But all the happiness you display makes me think that you are going to be a very happy child. That is the best thing that could happen. Hope that you are ok only another few weeks and you will be seeing the world for the first time. I am very excited! Love always xxxx

Off for work

Darling Little One, It is getting so close to your birth and I am quite irrationally excited by it. Funny I have not seen you, or rather any pictures of you, since the 13 week scan that was three months ago. I still look at the pictures from that scan everyday. I cannot begin to tell you how much I miss being in your presence. I am off now for a work visit for the next week, and I really do not know if I will have any internet access, and that, of course, means I may not be able to write. I will be thinking of you everyday as I always do. You give me strength and inspire me to be better. I hope that everything is ok and you are getting bigger and stronger and ready to meet the world for the first time. Maybe one one day our worlds will meet too. Love you Little One. xxx

Happy New Year!

Little One, Well this is actually going to be your first year of course, but I want every year to be happy for you. It will be happy for me because you will be here and I am trying to sort out my life. I hope that I will get to see you and I suppose know the truth. If you are not mine, I think I am going to be heartbroken... I am just so pleased that you, my first child, will be born and I think I can deal with the hardship of not being a dad to you because I trust your mum and dad. I wish them the best too, but of course I cannot tell them. I know sometimes I am contradictory in my feelings about all this, but you really are the best thing ever. April will be the most exciting month ever. Love you little one. Love always xxx

Love you

Little one, I just wanted to say I love you lots and lots. You are special and as we are rapidly approaching the year of your birth I hope that no matter what happens at some point I will get to see you. I am off work from now until next week, so writing maybe difficult again, but you are always on my mind. Love always xxx

Time flies by

Sweet little one, I keep thinking about how quickly time is flying by. In a matter of months you will be coming into the world properly. It is going to be your oyster! Whilst I am distant from you, you are in my heart and mind and dreams. I wish I could be at your birth, able to cuddle you and give a kiss that says I love you always and forever. I know that this is all unrealistic and that denial is unhealthy for me, but in my dreams we are always together. I like my dreams. I am counting the moments sweet baby until you are born. I love you. Love always xxx