Sometimes it is difficult to write

Darling Little One I am not sure why I have found it difficult to write recently. I am sorry that it is the case that I have. I suppose it is mainly because you could arrive in the world at any time and I have to confess… I am scared. I’m scared of so much. I am scared of never seeing you. Of never knowing the truth about you. Of never knowing you. I suppose it is a bit of a cop out. You mean the world to me and as everything else in my life is crumbling, you are my ray of light, the proof that the future is worthwhile. I need to tell you what else is going on. I am getting divorced. My wife blames you, or rather, she blames your mother for this, but it is not the case. Well, not directly anyway: she and I want different things. I want a happy, normal marriage and children and she does not. This has made our relationship impossible to continue. You have made all this happy and I am so grateful to you for just being you and your mother for showing me another way. I never wanted to hurt my wife, but she has hurt me so much over the last few years and you made me realise what was important to me. I will try and continue with this blog. You are worth it, but in some ways I feel that I should let you go, not because I want to, but it would be easier for everyone involved. But either way my heart truly belongs to you. I love you. xxxx

A poem about you

Darling little one, I wrote a poem about you. I hope you like it if you ever read it. I see your face in my dreams I cradle your body in my arms The world is still or so it seems So excited in a perfect calm I feel your tiny fingers around mine Your face questions the sensation Whilst mine just stares and shines You are a wonder, my great elation I love you, unconditionally I love you, silently I love you, though we are severed I love you always and forever. You're timeless in my mind In a simple moving image You were never mine but I love that image. Love you. xxx

Happy inspiration

Darling Little One, I am a happy chap today. Not sure why - work is going well, but my thoughts of separation are playing on my mind a little bit. Nevertheless, it is not long til you are born and that is a huge plus for me. Whenever I imagine you, you are a happy baby but so small. Not small for a baby mind, just small next to a 6'1, 17 stone man like me. I often imagine your tiny hand in mine and my hand touching your soft face. It is of course a fantasy really but, I can live our lives through my dreams and I find it inspirational. You are the greatest part of my life and whilst you don't know it, I am here for you always and forever. I love you xxxx

Ivan Cameron

Darling Little One, Today I want to tell you about a severely disabled boy, born to the leader of a political party. Ivan Cameron had cerebral palsy and epilepsy and sadly died last night at the age of six. His parents obviously loved him and gave him the best life that they could. It is very sad that this happened and obviously my heart goes out to them. I have extensive experience of epilepsy as my wife suffers from a strong form of it. It is not life threatening in her case as she is medicated, but I have had to look after her many times when she has suffered fits. This is part of the reason why I feel for Ivan's parents. Of course as David Cameron is a public figure, it has been big news today, but the death of any child is so sad. I hope that you have the health that Ivan did not have, but at the same time I wish you the love that his parents had for him. Rather sombre today I'm afraid. I love you xxx

Biological Father vs Real Father

Darling little one, I have been thinking about this long and hard. As I think you realise, I do not and would not want ever to usurp your real dad as a father figure. What is more difficult is what right I have to be part of your life. I am seeking legal advice on this because I cannot get past the fact that I do want to be there for you. This is a very difficult decision for me, as it really goes against my ethics. Firstly you need to be with your mum. Secondly you deserve the best shot at happiness. Thirdly this is going to hurt everyone involved. But equally I believe that the truth is the most important thing in the world. I believe that it is your right to know your heritage and it is my duty to ensure that if you do have a wider family, that you have access to it. I have no idea how to address this problem. In a normal circumstance I would just talk to your mum about it, but of course that is not really possible - we have not communicated since November. I have no intention of making things difficult, but equally I do not know how to get round the problem. I would never try and demonstrate that your dad is anything but your primary care provider i.e. your dad, but at the same time if you are mine, you have a big family who will love you and be there for you. I wish I could ask you what you want. I love you. Otherwise I would not even consider this. Love always. xxx

Talking about you

Darling Little One, Last night I went out with my best friend who, were you and I together, would be like an aunt to you. We had a lovely evening and talked about you, me and her planning to have another child. This was delightful if tinged with sadness for both of us as we both want you to be part of our lives. The best bit though was on my way home. I was reading a book on parenting that she gave me and an old couple asked me when you were due. For five glorious moments I was able to talk about you and the joy I feel about your impending birth. It was one of those things I feel I had missed out on, being able to talk like a proud father to be. It was a bit of fantasy on my part obviously, but I told no falsehoods and allowed myself this piece of happiness. I cannot begin to tell you how fantastic it felt being able to talk about you without having to explain the situation or talk about my unhappiness of not having you in my life. Maybe it was wrong, but it was one of the best experiences of my life. I would not have given it up for anything. It also made me think about all the good things you represent and the happiness you bring to so many people. Love you Little One xxx

Love you

Little one, I just wanted to say I love you lots and lots. You are special and as we are rapidly approaching the year of your birth I hope that no matter what happens at some point I will get to see you. I am off work from now until next week, so writing maybe difficult again, but you are always on my mind. Love always xxx

Merry Christmas

My darling child, Merry Christmas. I love you so very much and wish I were with you today and every day. All my love forever xxx

Time flies by

Sweet little one, I keep thinking about how quickly time is flying by. In a matter of months you will be coming into the world properly. It is going to be your oyster! Whilst I am distant from you, you are in my heart and mind and dreams. I wish I could be at your birth, able to cuddle you and give a kiss that says I love you always and forever. I know that this is all unrealistic and that denial is unhealthy for me, but in my dreams we are always together. I like my dreams. I am counting the moments sweet baby until you are born. I love you. Love always xxx

Optimism

Little one, I know that you are ok. I had a two word message from your mum (anonymous, but I knew) and it fills me with joy! No matter how much life takes its toll on me (and it does sometimes) it is moments like this that I live for. I want to hug everyone and smile. I feel like everything is right in the world now. And that is down to you, the most beautiful child in the world. I LOVE YOU!!! Love always, xxx

thinking...

Darling Little One, My mood has improved during the day as I have been thinking happy thoughts about you. I am sorry so much of this seems unhappy, it is not how I want to be, I just find this whole situation difficult. You are so important to me, and I just want you to know that. I really do want you and your mum to have the best, and it does hurt that I cannot be the one to provide that to you. Forgive me when I am negative. You are going to be perfect and the best thing that ever happened to any of us. I love you. Love always xxx

Big doubts.

Little one, I have a confession: I do not know what to say to you. As my relationship with your mother fades away, so I feel more and more detached from knowing about you. At first it was easy, I had been there and still in contact with your mum and had some hope to see you in the future. That hope is dying now even if my love is not. I am withdrawing my emotions again to protect myself. They call it denial and it is a very bad thing. The problem is that I hate myself for it because you are worth so much more than this. Maybe it is for the best that you and your mum and dad are together. What sort of father would I be? I do love you more than anything else. It just all seems so unfair on you and my guilt is overwhelming. I cannot understand how it has come to this. I suppose that it is the lack of hope that is the problem. You are my reason to be happy at the moment. I will try to carry on, but I am sorry. Love always x

Missing your mother

Hello my dear, I hope that you are happy in the womb at the moment, and when you finally read this. I know I talk a lot about your mum. I may well not have seen her for years by the time you read this, but I want you to know that I love her. It is important to realise that you were born of love, at least on my part. You know that I am married, so I am briefly going to touch on the subject of polyamoury. I doubt that it will be any more acceptable in your day than it is in mine, but it is my firm belief that you can love more than one person completely. My wife and I are of the same beliefs on this, and if you meet her you can talk to her about it. Your mother is so special, and many of my tears are the loss of her. I understand why it had to be but it does not make it any easier. I just want to hold her and you in my arms all of the time. We were good together, and I think could have been more. When she is happy it just radiates out of her, she has beautiful emotive eyes. I hope that the mum you know is still the same. She has had some big things to deal with in her life, but she loves you and wants you so much. She just suffers from doubts sometimes and you may see some of that. Support her if you can. Her love for you is unconditional as is mine. The truth is I miss her more than I can tell her and I must not tell her as she has made the decision to be with your dad. Sometimes I wonder should I have fought for what I really wanted - you and her. I don't know and I suppose I never will. But the point of this is that you should fight for what you want. Of course you should consider other people's feelings, but I have lost both of you for exactly that reason. And that is a constant source of pain for me now. Sounds bad doesn't it? I just hope that you do not make the same mistakes that I did. In the end though you are the man or woman that you are, and I am immensely proud of you for getting this far. I love you.