Peer pressure

Darling Little One, I am sadly suffering from peer pressure and it is all about you. I have very few people that I talk to you about, and they are all trying to persuade me to push your mum for testing and for access. I am reluctant as you know because I do not want to endanger chances of us having a relationship in the future and because I care deeply about your mum. It is true that my friends and family have your and my best interests at heart, but I cannot allow myself that luxury, or at least in my case. You are really the only thing that matters in this situation. They all know I would do anything for you and I suppose they are trying to protect and help me achieve that. Sometimes (and if you read through of the blog, you can tell when) I feel that they are right, but ultimately they do not know your mother, what a good woman she is and how she will give you the best start in life. I hope that if it transpires that you are "our" child (not that she would ever describe the situation that way), she will be honest with you. Equally I hope that she will be honest with me. In emergency situations it is important to know that she can contact me. I hope that you are well. Only a few more weeks and you will be here! It is so exciting! Love always xxx

Worried

Little One, I am in a dilemma. I know from the anon website that your mum is unhappy about something. She has a history of a certain sort of problem and I am worried that she is unwell. I want to call. I want to ask how she is. I do not feel that it would be welcome, so I asked on the anon website and have not had a response. It saddens me. I do care about her, not only as your mother but also as a friend. And we were friends, well, at least as far as I am concerned. I try not to make things difficult for her, but knowing she is unhappy and my helplessness is a bad combination. I am thinking of her. I am fond of her. I wish I could provide support. Sorry Little One. Sorry that when it matters I am not able to help. Maybe one day that will change. Love always xxx

The truth

Darling little one, I sent a message to your mum today anonymously, but it is a clear indication - I want to know the truth of your paternity. Obviously you know that I think I am your biological father, but it is just impossible for me to plan for the future without knowing. I can deal with the situation simply because I have to respect your mum's wishes and I will not take you away from her. But I am adamant about this. I do not want it to impact on you ever, well if it does only in a positive way. I am sorry you are in the middle of this because I love you. Love always xxx

More thinking...

Little One, One of the most stubborn thoughts in my head is how would you feel about all of this? I have a lot of advice from several people, but I am never sure what the best is for you. Finding out later in life that your dad is not your real dad is hard for the best of people. The question will always be why? And in some ways that will always be for your mum and dad to answer. As you know I really want to be your dad, but your mum wants the dad you are with. OK, but looking at it another way: Do any of us have the right to deny you access to your biological father (assuming that I am - the whole premise of this blog)? I am conflicted on this as you know from previous entries. My problem is that, if it was me, I would want to know - even if you still did not spend any time with me. There is no real way to explain this though, it is a moral judgement according to my own set of morals. Honesty is so important - I was once a pretty dishonest person when I was much younger, but today I try to avoid lying at any time. An honest person can never be wrong although they can make mistakes. As usual it comes back down to your parents, the ones who have looked after you and loved you thus far. Ultimately it will be their decision, and I hope that they make the right one for you. Missing you sweet little one. Love always xxx

The good of the majority

Morning Little One, I am really hoping that you are ok today. I am less and less happy as time goes on. I feel sad almost all the time and it is becoming increasingly difficult to think of anything but you. I do not know how I am going to be when you are born. I fight the urges to go into denial and to run away because it really will not solve anything. I cannot regret you, but sometimes I almost wish I had never met your mother. I know that is a contradiction. She made me so happy when we were together but now all she does is keep me from you. I wonder whether she thinks that it would help me deal with things. I doubt it - I suspect it will help her deal with things better. That is obviously important as it will make your life easier. I know that is the important thing but somehow I am unable to be happy about it. I suppose I am becoming more selfish, or perhaps more self absorbed. I really do not want this to happen as it is not my true character. I want everyone in this situation to be happy. I just do not think it is going to be possible, and sadly for me, the good of the majority is more important than the good of the one. So I suppose that is todays life lesson. Love always x

Missing your mother

Hello my dear, I hope that you are happy in the womb at the moment, and when you finally read this. I know I talk a lot about your mum. I may well not have seen her for years by the time you read this, but I want you to know that I love her. It is important to realise that you were born of love, at least on my part. You know that I am married, so I am briefly going to touch on the subject of polyamoury. I doubt that it will be any more acceptable in your day than it is in mine, but it is my firm belief that you can love more than one person completely. My wife and I are of the same beliefs on this, and if you meet her you can talk to her about it. Your mother is so special, and many of my tears are the loss of her. I understand why it had to be but it does not make it any easier. I just want to hold her and you in my arms all of the time. We were good together, and I think could have been more. When she is happy it just radiates out of her, she has beautiful emotive eyes. I hope that the mum you know is still the same. She has had some big things to deal with in her life, but she loves you and wants you so much. She just suffers from doubts sometimes and you may see some of that. Support her if you can. Her love for you is unconditional as is mine. The truth is I miss her more than I can tell her and I must not tell her as she has made the decision to be with your dad. Sometimes I wonder should I have fought for what I really wanted - you and her. I don't know and I suppose I never will. But the point of this is that you should fight for what you want. Of course you should consider other people's feelings, but I have lost both of you for exactly that reason. And that is a constant source of pain for me now. Sounds bad doesn't it? I just hope that you do not make the same mistakes that I did. In the end though you are the man or woman that you are, and I am immensely proud of you for getting this far. I love you.