Love you

Little one, I just wanted to say I love you lots and lots. You are special and as we are rapidly approaching the year of your birth I hope that no matter what happens at some point I will get to see you. I am off work from now until next week, so writing maybe difficult again, but you are always on my mind. Love always xxx

The truth

Darling little one, I sent a message to your mum today anonymously, but it is a clear indication - I want to know the truth of your paternity. Obviously you know that I think I am your biological father, but it is just impossible for me to plan for the future without knowing. I can deal with the situation simply because I have to respect your mum's wishes and I will not take you away from her. But I am adamant about this. I do not want it to impact on you ever, well if it does only in a positive way. I am sorry you are in the middle of this because I love you. Love always xxx

Cold morning

Little One, It is cold this morning, but I had another dream of you and it made me feel warm inside. You were a toddler playing on a trike and just wheeling around in such delight. It made me weep with happiness to see you there. It has been hard without your mum this Christmas, and it is going to be even harder without you next year. I love you darling love always xxx

Merry Christmas

My darling child, Merry Christmas. I love you so very much and wish I were with you today and every day. All my love forever xxx

Christmas for you

My darling Little One, This may the last post before Christmas, and I just wanted to put up my Christmas card message to you and your mum. The one I did not send. The golden aurora is shimmering over the purple blue sky. The mountains rise majestically over the horizons. Under foot the brightest, whitest snow lies waiting for your feet to make it crunch. The air is cold and the silence is broken only by the gentle whisper of the wind. The world looks like it is there just for you, because it is. Have a lovely Christmas and I know the next one will be the best for you both. I wish you the world and fulfilment of all your dreams. With love, always. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and it just because it is difficult to write at home that I am not writing. I love you so much Little One. Love always. xx

Adoption and us

Darling Little One, I am sure that you will be beginning to enjoy Christmas with your mum. I am certain she will be oozing happiness - she always told me how much she loved Christmas. I never got to experience it with her which is another regret. It is a time for family in my view and that is why it is a double edged sword for me. I want to spend it with you. But family is on my mind. I have been talking to my wife and we are actively pursuing adoption. I do not think that this means anything in terms of neglecting my commitment to you, you are still the most important thing that ever happened to me, but I want more, Little One, I need to have a family. Hopefully we will be accepted and you will have a half brother or sister that maybe, just maybe, you can meet and love. In the same way I will always love you. Hope you understand this. Love always xxx

Time flies by

Sweet little one, I keep thinking about how quickly time is flying by. In a matter of months you will be coming into the world properly. It is going to be your oyster! Whilst I am distant from you, you are in my heart and mind and dreams. I wish I could be at your birth, able to cuddle you and give a kiss that says I love you always and forever. I know that this is all unrealistic and that denial is unhealthy for me, but in my dreams we are always together. I like my dreams. I am counting the moments sweet baby until you are born. I love you. Love always xxx