Love you

Little one, I just wanted to say I love you lots and lots. You are special and as we are rapidly approaching the year of your birth I hope that no matter what happens at some point I will get to see you. I am off work from now until next week, so writing maybe difficult again, but you are always on my mind. Love always xxx

The truth

Darling little one, I sent a message to your mum today anonymously, but it is a clear indication - I want to know the truth of your paternity. Obviously you know that I think I am your biological father, but it is just impossible for me to plan for the future without knowing. I can deal with the situation simply because I have to respect your mum's wishes and I will not take you away from her. But I am adamant about this. I do not want it to impact on you ever, well if it does only in a positive way. I am sorry you are in the middle of this because I love you. Love always xxx

Cold morning

Little One, It is cold this morning, but I had another dream of you and it made me feel warm inside. You were a toddler playing on a trike and just wheeling around in such delight. It made me weep with happiness to see you there. It has been hard without your mum this Christmas, and it is going to be even harder without you next year. I love you darling love always xxx

Merry Christmas

My darling child, Merry Christmas. I love you so very much and wish I were with you today and every day. All my love forever xxx

Christmas for you

My darling Little One, This may the last post before Christmas, and I just wanted to put up my Christmas card message to you and your mum. The one I did not send. The golden aurora is shimmering over the purple blue sky. The mountains rise majestically over the horizons. Under foot the brightest, whitest snow lies waiting for your feet to make it crunch. The air is cold and the silence is broken only by the gentle whisper of the wind. The world looks like it is there just for you, because it is. Have a lovely Christmas and I know the next one will be the best for you both. I wish you the world and fulfilment of all your dreams. With love, always. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and it just because it is difficult to write at home that I am not writing. I love you so much Little One. Love always. xx

Adoption and us

Darling Little One, I am sure that you will be beginning to enjoy Christmas with your mum. I am certain she will be oozing happiness - she always told me how much she loved Christmas. I never got to experience it with her which is another regret. It is a time for family in my view and that is why it is a double edged sword for me. I want to spend it with you. But family is on my mind. I have been talking to my wife and we are actively pursuing adoption. I do not think that this means anything in terms of neglecting my commitment to you, you are still the most important thing that ever happened to me, but I want more, Little One, I need to have a family. Hopefully we will be accepted and you will have a half brother or sister that maybe, just maybe, you can meet and love. In the same way I will always love you. Hope you understand this. Love always xxx

Time flies by

Sweet little one, I keep thinking about how quickly time is flying by. In a matter of months you will be coming into the world properly. It is going to be your oyster! Whilst I am distant from you, you are in my heart and mind and dreams. I wish I could be at your birth, able to cuddle you and give a kiss that says I love you always and forever. I know that this is all unrealistic and that denial is unhealthy for me, but in my dreams we are always together. I like my dreams. I am counting the moments sweet baby until you are born. I love you. Love always xxx

Nature is beautiful

Darling Little One, Life is full of little joys, many that I hope you will witness or participate in. Today I saw one of those amazing things that happens in nature. I was eating my sandwich in the park and thinking about you (I do that most of the time when I am alone), and rather than throw the bread in the bin, I threw it to the birds. A crow swept down and ate a little bit of bread. Then it picked up a couple more pieces of bread and flew a few metres away to a tree. It used leaves to conceal the bread from view presumably so it could eat later! In 37 years I have never seen a crow do this, and being a country boy that is surprising. It was a beautiful and entertaining moment for me. Nature is a beautiful thing, be it you snuggled up inside your mummy or birds or the sun or the stars. In this modern world it is often easy to forget these joys. I am sure you will see many wondrous things and places, but sometimes the most amazing are there on your doorstep. Love always xxx

Optimism

Little one, I know that you are ok. I had a two word message from your mum (anonymous, but I knew) and it fills me with joy! No matter how much life takes its toll on me (and it does sometimes) it is moments like this that I live for. I want to hug everyone and smile. I feel like everything is right in the world now. And that is down to you, the most beautiful child in the world. I LOVE YOU!!! Love always, xxx

More thinking...

Little One, One of the most stubborn thoughts in my head is how would you feel about all of this? I have a lot of advice from several people, but I am never sure what the best is for you. Finding out later in life that your dad is not your real dad is hard for the best of people. The question will always be why? And in some ways that will always be for your mum and dad to answer. As you know I really want to be your dad, but your mum wants the dad you are with. OK, but looking at it another way: Do any of us have the right to deny you access to your biological father (assuming that I am - the whole premise of this blog)? I am conflicted on this as you know from previous entries. My problem is that, if it was me, I would want to know - even if you still did not spend any time with me. There is no real way to explain this though, it is a moral judgement according to my own set of morals. Honesty is so important - I was once a pretty dishonest person when I was much younger, but today I try to avoid lying at any time. An honest person can never be wrong although they can make mistakes. As usual it comes back down to your parents, the ones who have looked after you and loved you thus far. Ultimately it will be their decision, and I hope that they make the right one for you. Missing you sweet little one. Love always xxx

thinking...

Darling Little One, My mood has improved during the day as I have been thinking happy thoughts about you. I am sorry so much of this seems unhappy, it is not how I want to be, I just find this whole situation difficult. You are so important to me, and I just want you to know that. I really do want you and your mum to have the best, and it does hurt that I cannot be the one to provide that to you. Forgive me when I am negative. You are going to be perfect and the best thing that ever happened to any of us. I love you. Love always xxx

The good of the majority

Morning Little One, I am really hoping that you are ok today. I am less and less happy as time goes on. I feel sad almost all the time and it is becoming increasingly difficult to think of anything but you. I do not know how I am going to be when you are born. I fight the urges to go into denial and to run away because it really will not solve anything. I cannot regret you, but sometimes I almost wish I had never met your mother. I know that is a contradiction. She made me so happy when we were together but now all she does is keep me from you. I wonder whether she thinks that it would help me deal with things. I doubt it - I suspect it will help her deal with things better. That is obviously important as it will make your life easier. I know that is the important thing but somehow I am unable to be happy about it. I suppose I am becoming more selfish, or perhaps more self absorbed. I really do not want this to happen as it is not my true character. I want everyone in this situation to be happy. I just do not think it is going to be possible, and sadly for me, the good of the majority is more important than the good of the one. So I suppose that is todays life lesson. Love always x

Sad me.

Little one, Today has been a real struggle. Dreaming of you seems to have unleashed a torrent of emotions. I cannot lie to you, I really want to be with you. I have spent the whole day just thinking about you and how you are so special. What can I do? Some cultures in this world think that multiple parents are a good thing. Some tribes treat all men as the fathers to all the children. I do not want to disrupt your family but there must be some way that I can be with you. I cannot bear the idea of trying to do it by suing your parents. They will just hate me and that could so easily be projected onto you. I cannot suppress my feelings though and how do I live with myself? I have had a good cry, but I do not think the tears ever stop inside. I used to be happy all the time. Now I am not. One of my friends suggested counselling but I do not know how it will help. You are all I want. I miss you. Love always xx

Dreaming of you

Little one, I dreamt of you last night. It is the first time that I have, or at least the first time that I remember the next day. I cannot say it was a happy dream as it was observational - seeing you with your mum from a distance was hard for me, but you did look happy and you looked healthy and this comforts me. I am finding it harder and harder to think of you being apart from me forevermore. I just do not know how to try and approach your mum about seeing you occasionally because I do not think your mum would accept it. I always try to think about what is best for you, and of course I cannot talk to you about it. You are my ray of light. I love you. Love always, xxx

Starlight

Little one, I hope that you are ok. I have spent the weekend with my family which has been nice though it always now makes me think of what I am going to be missing out on. I went outside at around 2am with my dog so he could take a rest break and once again I found myself staring at the stars which are so bright there. I stood for around 20 minutes gazing in what was really wonder - there are just so many. I thought of you and hope that you will get to see such sights and have the same feelings as me. The world is a beautiful place and a gift to us all. I picked the North Star to remind me of you - so bright, so beautiful. It means I will always see the stars in a different way and means even more to me. I am missing you lovely little one. Love always x

Conquering our fears

Little one, I have something to admit to you. I am terrified of the dentist. It is a silly fear but we all have our phobias reasonable or not. It started off when I was eleven and having a number of teeth taken out. I just refused to go after that. When I met your mum, she told me that I should go. As you know I have a lot of respect for your mum, and I did listen to a lot of the things she said. It still took me six months to go, but with the support of a very good friend I went along yesterday. The big chair was as scary as I remember it being, but the dentist did put me at ease straight away. After an examination and some X-rays he told me that I had great teeth, but they were very dirty. He has booked me in for a clean later in the month. The point is that scared as I was I was able to make myself do it. Sometimes we have to challenge our fears and do something about it. I have little to be scared of really, and my biggest fear is really not knowing about whether you are truly my child and never getting to see you if you are. That challenge puts everything else into perspective and is one that sadly seems as far away from solving as ever as I do not want to hurt your mum or your dad. I'm sorry if that means we never meet. It is all I really want. Love always x

Childhood to enjoy

Little one, I hope that you are happy in the warmth of your mummy's tummy today. Soon you will be out and your life journey will begin. I have been thinking about this, and it reminded me of why I started this blog. I think that I have been so wrapped up in the turmoil of the last few months, that I forgot that this is all about you, not me. So I am going to talk to you about you. Childhood is a gift, one that in some ways I wasted. Well, that's not true but if I knew then what I know now I would have done so much differently. I would have socialised with other children more, played more team games (although i was a pretty reasonable rugby player!)but more importantly allowed myself to be a child for longer. I hope that you have an idyllic childhood and get to go places and explore with the same sense of wonder that I did. The innocence of childhood is so very precious and I hope you hold onto it for many years. Peer pressure and life in general can damage that innocence and there is little that you can do about it. It is down to your mum and dad to protect you, andI am convinced they will do their best to do so. I hope that you manage to learn about being a good person. Be honourable, be kind, be generous. How you treat the weakest is the measure of your true nature. If you are my son I would want you to treat the weakest as the ones you would protect and look after. But in some ways the most important thing is to be yourself. This is the time that you will have the most freedom to be yourself that you will ever have. Use it wisely. I feel able to talk to you again and it makes me happy. Love always x

Big doubts.

Little one, I have a confession: I do not know what to say to you. As my relationship with your mother fades away, so I feel more and more detached from knowing about you. At first it was easy, I had been there and still in contact with your mum and had some hope to see you in the future. That hope is dying now even if my love is not. I am withdrawing my emotions again to protect myself. They call it denial and it is a very bad thing. The problem is that I hate myself for it because you are worth so much more than this. Maybe it is for the best that you and your mum and dad are together. What sort of father would I be? I do love you more than anything else. It just all seems so unfair on you and my guilt is overwhelming. I cannot understand how it has come to this. I suppose that it is the lack of hope that is the problem. You are my reason to be happy at the moment. I will try to carry on, but I am sorry. Love always x

Back again

Little one, I have been having a bit of a crisis of confidence the last few days. I seriously considered giving up this blog, but I have to say that I cannot. It is not that I want to, but I am trying to sort things out in my head. I want you to know the truth, because no matter what else I say and do to everyone else on the planet, you are the only one that I am always true to. The truth is that I am confused as to my feelings. I feel like I have to abandon you because I will have no part in your life. I feel like if I do not get your mother out of my head I will never truly be free to move on. I feel like I am a ghost. So what do I do? Well the truth is that I have to take responsibility for my actions. I got myself into this with your mother. You are a lifetime's responsibility and if all I can do is write for you in the hope that one day you want to know about me, well then I damn well should. I am sorry that I have been letting you down the last few days. Take care darling child. Love always x

Back to the blog

Little one, I am sorry that I have not been around. I have had a pretty bad chest infection and have not been able to do much. It has given me lots of time to think though. I have been thinking of you, of my relationship with your mum and my relationship at home amongst other things. I still do not know what I think about so many things to do with this situation. I know that confusion is a common thread in my writings and probably makes it boring and repetitive, but it is honest. My relationship at home is better at the moment but there is still no movement on the question of children. I will be back to writing properly soon - you deserve it. Love always x

Coughing through the day

Little one, I am coughing like an old man today as I have have a cold. Now this is obviously years in your past, but I have to say I hope you inherit a better chest than me! My point here is to take care of yourself. Some people obsess about dirt and germs, but these are the very things that build up your immunity. I spent the first years of my life on farms and they were not the cleanest places in the world, but for many years I did not suffer any illnesses. What you want to avoid is things like smoking and overeating, and making an effort to stay fit and eat fruit and veg. I have of course ignored most of my own advice, but like I said I want you to be able to learn from my mistakes! Hope you are feeling healthy today and when you read this. Love always x

Ups and downs... again

Little one, I saw a good friend of mine today for the first time since she gave birth to her little boy earlier in the year. I told her about you and she was full of sage advice. It is funny how parents react differently to people who do not have children. The way I describe my feelings to them is always understood. The fact that you are more important to me than almost anything and the grief I feel at the loss of you being in my life. I do not get to feel you kick, I do not get to tell everyone, I do not get to see your mother in full bloom. These are all profound regrets for me. My ups are smaller, but significant. I am talking to someone about my problems and recognising certain issues that I have had for many years. I am getting on slighty better with my wife and I am more myself. I hope that when you get to read this you have been brought up in an environment where you can talk about your problems. I think that this was my problem. Not that my parents were bad - they were great. But I suppose that is a story that needs further thought before I tell you about it. Love always x

Quiet moments

Little one, I missed posting to you yesterday, I have been coming to terms with some of my other issues in my life. I am trying to make changes that my experience with you and your mother catalysed. I really want to have children and I want to be happy. I realise that this may mean that my wife and I may have to go our separate ways. I must admit this is not something that I really want, but I am struggling to see where to go from here without separating. I love her, I really do, but I suppose being with your mum opened my eyes anyway, and my unconditional love for you is greater in some ways than the love I have ever had for anyone. So can I change? Well that is the big question. I think that I can, but it is going to come at a cost - hurting the person I have spent 20 years of my life with. Is it worth it? Well some say yes. Well actually everyone I have spoken to says yes. But of course they have not been with someone for so long. I don't know. It is in these quiet moments that I think about this, you and your mother the most, and my doubts are at their greatest. No other child could ever replace you, but I am not trying to do that. I want a child because I want to live that life. And maybe you would have a half brother or sister to love. We shall have to see. Love always. x

Armistice Day

Little one, I said at the beginning of writing this blog that I wanted to pass on my experiences and advice. I went to an event today that I want to talk to you about. I had the privilege of attending the Armistice Day service at the Cenotaph today. Standing with my friends and colleagues, both uniformed and civilian, we witnessed the last of a generation of men who fought in the First World War coming together to pay tribute to their fallen fellow servicemen. These are old men aged between 108 and 112 but they gripped their wreaths with pride. As they were pushed up to the Cenotaph by no less than a recipient of the VC, the MC and the DFC a round of applause echoed round Whitehall. The first two wreathes were laid by current servicemen, but when it came to the oldest, Henry Allingham, things slowed down. We realised that he was trying to lay the wreath himself. I will admit it brought a tear to my eye to see this very real hero struggle to make sure he laid it personally. Sure he was supported, but I cannot begin to tell you the emotion and pride involved in that act. When I think of the people who complain day in and day out of all sorts of stuff (myself included) and then compare to these three gentlemen, I truly realise that we will not see their like again. I proud to be there and it is one moment of time I will never forget. I doubt any of these brave men will be alive by the time you can understand what it is about, but I hope you will told about them and their ilk at home and at school. If not I have met one of them and will willingly tell you about him, and all the other heroes. With love.

Staring at the skies

Little one, sometimes all we have is our dreams when things are bad. When I was young I just wanted to party and be 21 forever. Then I grew up got a job and I just wanted to do stuff, go places and see things. But now at the grand old age of 37 I just want to settle and have a good life. My problem is that I do not see how I can at the moment. I dream of happiness with a family of my own, knowing that you are happy with your family. The fact that I do not know how things are going with you is one problem. The other is that I am not in the right place to have a family. We all have to make choices. I suspect I have made a lot of wrong ones, but now I have a big choice to make. The biggest of my life. Do I change everything for the chance of happiness, or do I take a less happy but safe route? These dilemmas are what life is all about. We choose to share our lives with people we love, but are they the right person. And what was right 20 years ago may not be right now. I am in a spin over this and over the coming months you will hear more. But I still have my dreams - I hope you can follow yours. I hope that you are ok. with love.

Love and possession

Little one, I think that I may have had a mini arguement with your mum yesterday on an anonymous website. We were discussing love and whether you should call someone you love "my". I assume it is her as she knows I post there regularly and the poster had the same writing style. Anyway out of respect for her views and thinking some more, I am not going to call you my child anymore. Because regardless of your biological parentage you are always going to be someone elses son or daughter. I think I am beginning to come to terms with that. I have been happier the last few days. I realised that I was becoming someone I have never been: desperate, selfish and miserable. This is not the person I was meant to be, and I have to take a more positive view. SO I am. This does not mean that I am abandoning you - I think that this blog has value to you and to me, but I need to be more detatched from my feelings and submerge them. I would do anything for you or your mother but I know the best thing for both of you is for me to keep quiet, let you all get on with your lives, and if there is some need for the situation to change then it is for your mum to decide. She is level headed and I am sure she will only ever do the best for you. Anyway, I hope that you are ok. I know your mum was getting a sexing scan this week or next - I think she really likes the scans. I know she loves everything to do with you. I'm happy by the way. Hope you're happy too. With love

more life and death

Hello my sweet. I went to my friend's dad's funeral yesterday so I could not write. It went as well as you could expect, but these are always solumn occasions. It brought more things into perspective for me too. I never really considered my mortality until you came into my life, but I now hope that I live long enough to see you at some point - even if it turns out I am not your biological father. I know that seems strange, but I am just so emotionally attached to you. I need to try and get out of the depressed fuzz I seem to be in at the moment. Everyone keeps asking how I am, and in truth I am, well, surviving. Sometimes people ask why am I here? In truth we are here to live, survive, create life and die. I appear to have achieved three out of four, and I have no interest in number 4! Death is of course inevitable, but there is no need to give into it easily. I do not believe in the afterlife, so I want to take my one shot at this life as best I can. This is why I am so keen for you to be everything you want to be, to push yourself - I tried and have succeeded in so much, but have not got everything I ever wanted - even if you exclude being part of your life. Most importantly if you can look in the mirror and say "I tried" and believe it, you will not go far wrong. I love you.

Missing children in my life

My darling, Still no contact from your mum so I think we can safely assume that I am no longer welcome in your life. I have been with children for last week, looking after them as you know. I wrote a note about it for my friends, that i am reprinting here: I have had the pleasure of spending the last week with my nieces and nephew. I thought it was a tremendous experience and I wanted to share some of it with you. Firstly, wow! What an all encompassing life it is with children. They become the focus of your life so easily, but in the best possible way. Looking after their needs, talking to them, trying to encourage them, ensuring that they understand why you are telling them to do things - it is so rewarding! They have a way of putting stuff in perspective really. I look at my lifestyle, and realise that if we were going to have children that I would have to cut my hours, that I would want to move out of this area I love because I want them to have the air and space I had as a child, and that my priorities would change. All that in a week! Even simple pleasure is derived from laughing at Spongebob Squarepants with them. The love and affection you feel towards them is so pure it is incredible. But what surprises me most is the sheer responsibility. I sort of knew it - after all so many of you have had children, but to be confronted with it - well, my respect for all the parents has gone up again. especially single parents, I do not know how you manage it. I suppose because you must. But I envy you every minute of it. So I am back to my normal life now, but I miss the constant noise, the insistent calls and the sense of family life with children. The point is that I want you in my life more than ever, and it shall be my cross to bear that I am not part of your life. I hope that your parents truly realise how lucky they are to have you. I would give anything to have you. I love you.

I'm moving on (ish)

My lovely child, I have started my first day of moving on, and as usual fate slaps me in the face. A chance conversation with a young girl reminded me of the difficulties of not being your dad. She has some issues with her own parents, and I can only hope that your mum and dad are honest with you about me. As usual I cannot go into detail to protect those who I love but she is the sweetest girl. I hope you turn out as kind and considerate as her. Her father did abandon her but thankfully now there is a strong father figure in her life. But she is confused and I really do not want that for you. I know your dad is strong- he had to be but it does not make things easy if you do find out about me. Don't really know what to say now. I love you.

You seem further away than ever

My darling child, I am realising that I am less and less likely to see you, especially as your mum will not even tell me how she is let alone you. I have come to accept that she does not want me around you, but it still hurts. As you know I am looking after your cousins, and it is such a joy. God how I envy your mum and dad. Only a few days of parental care and I just feel so different about life. It is hard, of course, but rewarding, helping them, enjoying life and even the arguements! If only I got to do this with you. But it is not to be, and I am now truly letting go of your mum. I tried, but it is not what she wants and I have to deal with that, and I cannot drive her away otherwise there will be even less chance than the miniscule one that remains that I even get to see you. Maybe one day we will get to talk about all this. I love you.

Feeling sorry for myself

My baby, I am sorry I know the last few posts have been a bit on the sad side. It is only the strength of my feelings for you and my complete confusion. I have been thinking more and more about what to do. In some ways I should just be happy that you exist and that your mum must presumably be sorting herself out, but I suppose I really had such hopes or our future as a family when I had no right to expect that. Forgive me, I am going to be more positive. Well at least I am going to try. I love you

Maybe a bit of a break

My child, I am sorry, I probably not going to be posting much for a week. I will be looking after what may be your cousins whilst my sister in law goes on holiday. Much as I am looking forward to it, I am sure that it is just going to make being apart from you even harder. I suppose it is one of the few chances I get to be with children in a family situation. As you may have guessed that is what I want in my life. Sorry, I am sitting here crying again. This is just miserable for me. The only thing that keeps me going is hope, and with everyday that your mother ignores me the hope just recedes. I do not know how I will cope once you are born. You are the joy of my life, yet before you I was sort of happy. Now I am just sad almost all the time. I do not want to feel this way anymore. Should I give up this blog? Should I give you up? Should I give up hope? And even if I do what is left for me now? I have tasted fatherhood and it is now an almost insatiable urge to be a parent. And to do that I need to really radically change my life, hurt just about everyone I love who is left to me, and, well, start again. I could have done it with your mother. But she didn't want it. I so wish she did. This was supposed to be a happy post telling you about family you don't even know you have and about how much I love children. I could have deleted the text, but it is important you realise that your actions have consequences. You are a consequence of mine, and whilst your life is the greatest miracle ever, the consequences for me are possibly a lifetime of regret - not about you, but about my missed opportunities, and my failings. You are the greatest thing that I have ever been part of. I love you darling child so very much.

I want to be there.

My sweet, I hope that everything is ok with you and your mum. She seems to be managing with the no contact thing at the moment, and I am not. It takes all my determination not to send her a message or email, or just pick up the phone. Because I think that is what she wants. And all I want is to lie with my arms around her, cuddling you both. I know this is my sacrifice for your happiness, but I wish that it was not so hard. I love you.

Matters of life and death

My child, Today one of my true friends phoned to tell me that her father had died. Death is part of all our lives and inescapable, but I wanted to tell you something about this good man. He was a member of the French Resistance in the second world war. He escaped France early during the war but returned after training in Britain to fight Nazism. You cannot underestimate the risk that he put himself under - if he had been caught he would have been shot as a spy. He helped defeat one of the great evils of the 20th Century. I tell you this because he would seem like an ordinary man if you met him. He did not talk of his war years, or of the terrible things he had seen. It seems to me that he did his duty to help his fellow man. Whatever you may think of war and fighting, there are people out there who fight to protect your freedoms and mine. They should demand your respect and thanks, but most of them (and I know a lot of military men and women) don't ask for it. Remember when you see these people that they are prepared to lay their lives on the line for you, and perhaps a smile or a wave of recognition is due. One of the things that I intend with this diary is to pass on my thoughts, ideals and knowledge to you. I cannot make you live by my morals or judgements, and in fact I want you to find your own way. I am very conventional in someways, and completely unconventional in others. But I really hope that you have the wisdom to respect those who are prepared to sacrifice themselves so that you don't have to. I am off to see my friend now, to support her as best I can - in the end all we all have is our family, friends and loved ones. Thinking of you. I love you.

Heroes

My dear, Today is another bad day. I just cannot stop thinking about you and what I should do and now I suppose I am trying to sort myself out after a bit of self pity. As I see it I can do one of a few things. One, I can go to court to get access to you. Two, I can talk to your parents and ask them. Three I can just suffer in silence, but at least make things easy for your family. I do not want to go to court - it is not what anyone wants, but equally, I know that your parents do not want me in your life either. I do not want to be the villain in your life - and I have the feeling this will be how I will be painted if I try to see you. It is not your parents fault - remember, this was not what was planned, and especially given that your dad has taken a decision to stick by your mum. Most of the few people I have spoken to say that I should fight to see you. I want to so much, but do not want to risk your happiness. Or your mums. I just want to be with you always and I do not know how I could let you go at the end of a visit. I want to be your hero. There is a song by David Bowie called Heroes and I listen to it a lot because it reminds me of some of my situation. I relate it to your mum and me. "I could be King and you, you could be Queen, though nothing, nothing will drive them away, we could be heroes, just for one day". It sort of speaks to me, that we were trying to escape problems, but in the end we were heroes on the day that we created you. I relate a lot of my life to music, so I suppose you had better get used to it! I do feel better though now because I am talking to you. I just hope that one day I can do it for real. I love you.

Low ebb

My darling child, Sorry I have not posted for a few days. Things are really difficult at the moment. I feel empty. The truth is that I have really screwed up what I have and lost what I wanted most. I am just living a fantasy that somehow I might get to be part of your life, but I know it is not going to happen, and that is what is hurting me. I tried to talk to your mum about it to let her know that I really do want this but she closed up. I tried to talk to my wife about it and she just got even more upset and demanded that I cut off your mother entirely. I know that I have only myself to blame. I need to let you go but I simply cannot escape the feelings. I spoke to my best friend about it at the weekend. She understood: she is a mother. And the problem is that something in my brain is now turned on... a switch marked daddy... and I can't turn it off. No matter how much I try to explain this to either of them, they cannot comprehend it. I think that your mum thinks I should just turn off the feelings and deal with her and your dad bringing you up, and my wife cannot understand why I would want to be in the situation. I have to say I just feel utterly alone and dejected. It is like having a big Christmas present that you know is there but you are never allowed to open it. I really hate this situation and myself for being so stupid. I should have done something different but I do not know what. I wish I was your proper daddy - you are all I think about. Life sometimes does kick you and sometimes you do stay down for a while. I know I need to be stronger - for my family, and for your family, but I don't know where the strength is going to come from. I finally understand what despair means. I hope that you never feel this way. I love you.

Missing your mother

Hello my dear, I hope that you are happy in the womb at the moment, and when you finally read this. I know I talk a lot about your mum. I may well not have seen her for years by the time you read this, but I want you to know that I love her. It is important to realise that you were born of love, at least on my part. You know that I am married, so I am briefly going to touch on the subject of polyamoury. I doubt that it will be any more acceptable in your day than it is in mine, but it is my firm belief that you can love more than one person completely. My wife and I are of the same beliefs on this, and if you meet her you can talk to her about it. Your mother is so special, and many of my tears are the loss of her. I understand why it had to be but it does not make it any easier. I just want to hold her and you in my arms all of the time. We were good together, and I think could have been more. When she is happy it just radiates out of her, she has beautiful emotive eyes. I hope that the mum you know is still the same. She has had some big things to deal with in her life, but she loves you and wants you so much. She just suffers from doubts sometimes and you may see some of that. Support her if you can. Her love for you is unconditional as is mine. The truth is I miss her more than I can tell her and I must not tell her as she has made the decision to be with your dad. Sometimes I wonder should I have fought for what I really wanted - you and her. I don't know and I suppose I never will. But the point of this is that you should fight for what you want. Of course you should consider other people's feelings, but I have lost both of you for exactly that reason. And that is a constant source of pain for me now. Sounds bad doesn't it? I just hope that you do not make the same mistakes that I did. In the end though you are the man or woman that you are, and I am immensely proud of you for getting this far. I love you.

Your scan

I have just seen your scan! Your mother was so kind and sent it to me. You are so lovely and I am so happy but crying at the same time. This is even harder than I thought it would be. She is convinced that you are a boy, and maybe you are. We cannot really communicate but she does tell me what is going on. It is very hard for her - I know that she feels disloyal for telling me things, but she is good hearted and knows how much you mean to me. I do wonder how much longer she will keep me informed. We both know that really we should not talk to each other. She has chosen to remain with your dad as he will give you a good life. I think I could have given you that too, but it had to be her choice and I respect that. Even if you are not mine, I feel closer to you than any other child I have ever known. I suppose that this is the difficulty. I assume that you are mine because I want you to be. Obviously the best thing for you is that your dad is really your dad and not me, but I cannot really bring myself to want that. Sorry - I am selfish sometimes. I have been staring at your picture for the last twenty minutes trying to think of the words to describe how I feel. There are just too many words and I cannot structure a sentence, so I will just say some of them: love, joy, beauty, warmth, home, butterflies, hope. Hope as in my hope for your future. That you can be everything you want to be and more. I don't know what will happen, but I hope that you make the world a better place as I have always tried to in my life. Remember one person can always make a difference. Sorry been a bit rambling today. I am just emotional. I love you.

First words...

My child, If you are reading this it is probable that a DNA test has shown that I am your father. I am sorry that you do not know me. It is not how I would have wanted it. At the moment you are inside your mother, 13 weeks into the pregnancy. I have not seen your scan, I have been told that I will not be part of your life, as your mum and dad wish to raise you as their own. I do not even truly know if you are mine. But I love you more than anything else in the world. I have decided to keep this blog in case you want to know about me and my feelings for you. Your mum and dad have looked after you. I made a decision not to try and gain access or interfere although I wanted to more than you will ever know. I have a lot of time for your mother. She is a wonderful woman. We were together for a short time during a period of weakness and difficulty. I miss her everyday at the moment. Your father is a good man. He took you on not knowing whether you were his or mine. It takes a big man to do that. Sir Isaac Newton said, "If I seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." He recognised the part that others had in his achievement. I hope that you realise that everything you are is because you have been standing on the shoulders of your mum and dad. I bear them no malice for keeping me from you. I would have given anything for you to be in my life, but you needed your mum and she needed him more than she needed me. These decisions are difficult, and I hope that you never have to make them yourself. I can barely look at myself because of the guilt that I feel for abandoning you, and you are not even born yet. I truly believe that you are my child. The dates seem to suggest it, but I have to bury those feelings. The problem is I also have a wife, who I love dearly. We have a special relationship, that I cannot tell you about at this moment, but it allows us to see other people. We cannot have children and I had given up hope. If your parents had not wanted you, we would have taken you in and raised you as ours, with your mother being able to see you whenever she wanted. Instead I have to do deal with the fact that you are going to be someone else's child. And I have to look after my wife. I am here for your mother now, and will always be there for you, she knows that. But at the moment I cannot see me being part of your life. I wish I could. I love you.