Indescisive

Darling Little One, I hope that everything is ok in your life. Still no contact from your mum, so we obviously have had no contact. I am alright. I have been trying to sort out my life and all the changes that have happened. It is odd being single again after nearly twenty years. More to the point I have been trying to adjust and sort out my feelings. Again I considered abandoning this blog as too painful, but I am again drawn back. I just wish I knew the truth. Still will end up writing the same thing time and time again. What is odd is finding out how many people of my age are suddenly single. There seems to be a lot of splitting up going around. I hope that your parents are solid with you on the scene. I feel pretty optimistic about moving on for all sorts of reasons and I feel like I did 20 years ago. It is good. I wish that you were around me though, that would make things perfect. Stay happy Little One xxxx

Are you here?

Darling Little One I suppose that this is the toughest time so far for me. I know you must have been due and are probably born now and obviously I have not seen you and had no contact from your mum. I don't know what to say about that. I really had hoped that she would at least tell me that you had been born and whether she knew who your father was. I suppose it was an unrealistic hope for all the reasons that you know. I hope that you are enjoying real life and feel the glorious sunshine on your skin. I envy your mum and dad, I freely admit it getting to be with you and cuddling you. I really do wish I could share in their joy. My joy is confined to your existence and the warm feeling that you are alive and well in my mind, and hopefully in real life. I have struggled to write still because of this, but also because my wife and I have decided to separate. We want very different things, but we want to remain friends. She would have taken you in with me had your mum and dad not wanted you, and I would be grateful to her for that, but I wonder how happy we all would have been. Anyway it is irrelevant now. I feel better for making the decision because once I am divorced I can follow some of my dreams. Not you, you understand, much as I love you and you are a dream of mine, it must be you or your mum who contacts me. The temptation to write to her is enormous, to ask her for a photo, to ask her to let me meet you, to ask her for the truth, but ultimately it would hurt everyone involved. I still think of you day and night and they are good thoughts. I have decided to write to you every week. I think that it means that I can get on with life, but at the same time maintain a relationship with you (a fairly one sided one!) I want to remember all of these feelings and give you the opportunity to see the world through my eyes. Welcome to the World Little One. I love you Love always x

Sometimes it is difficult to write

Darling Little One I am not sure why I have found it difficult to write recently. I am sorry that it is the case that I have. I suppose it is mainly because you could arrive in the world at any time and I have to confess… I am scared. I’m scared of so much. I am scared of never seeing you. Of never knowing the truth about you. Of never knowing you. I suppose it is a bit of a cop out. You mean the world to me and as everything else in my life is crumbling, you are my ray of light, the proof that the future is worthwhile. I need to tell you what else is going on. I am getting divorced. My wife blames you, or rather, she blames your mother for this, but it is not the case. Well, not directly anyway: she and I want different things. I want a happy, normal marriage and children and she does not. This has made our relationship impossible to continue. You have made all this happy and I am so grateful to you for just being you and your mother for showing me another way. I never wanted to hurt my wife, but she has hurt me so much over the last few years and you made me realise what was important to me. I will try and continue with this blog. You are worth it, but in some ways I feel that I should let you go, not because I want to, but it would be easier for everyone involved. But either way my heart truly belongs to you. I love you. xxxx

A poem about you

Darling little one, I wrote a poem about you. I hope you like it if you ever read it. I see your face in my dreams I cradle your body in my arms The world is still or so it seems So excited in a perfect calm I feel your tiny fingers around mine Your face questions the sensation Whilst mine just stares and shines You are a wonder, my great elation I love you, unconditionally I love you, silently I love you, though we are severed I love you always and forever. You're timeless in my mind In a simple moving image You were never mine but I love that image. Love you. xxx

Happy inspiration

Darling Little One, I am a happy chap today. Not sure why - work is going well, but my thoughts of separation are playing on my mind a little bit. Nevertheless, it is not long til you are born and that is a huge plus for me. Whenever I imagine you, you are a happy baby but so small. Not small for a baby mind, just small next to a 6'1, 17 stone man like me. I often imagine your tiny hand in mine and my hand touching your soft face. It is of course a fantasy really but, I can live our lives through my dreams and I find it inspirational. You are the greatest part of my life and whilst you don't know it, I am here for you always and forever. I love you xxxx

Feeling down

Darling little one, Sorry been feeling down recently. My world is falling to pieces currently and it is taking all my effort to remain positive. I did have a lovely holiday with my nieces and nephews but I was surrounded by pregnant women and toddlers. It made me think of you, which was good, but also the sadness of not having the children permanently in my life. My wife told me she intended to get sterilised last night to make sure I knew there was no chance of her having children. It was a massive blow - as you know I have hoped and hoped that she would change her mind, but now I know it is not going to happen. I suppose I have a choice now. Stay and hope that at some point we will get to meet each other ro go and make a new life for myself. Times like this are really hard for people. People on the whole do not like change - it frightens them, and I am no different. I have been with her for 20 years and this will be a horrific change for me. Sometimes we need to make the hard choices to get what we want and I am afraid sooner or later you will face a tough decision. It is worse because it comes so soon after making the decision not to try and force myself into your life. That was the honourable and right thing to do though so in some ways it is easier. Sorry that you have to read about this, but I promised you the highs and lows and experience. I love you. Been too long since I told you that. I love you more than anything else. Love always xxxx

Another holiday

Daling little one, I hope that you are growing and enjoying your time in the womb! I am off on holiday again with my nieces and nephews. It is going to be wonderful to see them again and to play and just have children around me. It does make me slightly sad about our position but I have no power over that so I will make the most of what I have. I do miss seeing you grow and think of it often. I still dream of you many times and it is a comfort. I wish it were more. I still feel that shiver of excitement whenever I think of you, I just cannot stop myself. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I will always love the idea of you even if I cannot give you the love I want to give you. I will try and write whilst I am holiday. Thinking of you always. With love xxx