Love you

Little one, I just wanted to say I love you lots and lots. You are special and as we are rapidly approaching the year of your birth I hope that no matter what happens at some point I will get to see you. I am off work from now until next week, so writing maybe difficult again, but you are always on my mind. Love always xxx

The truth

Darling little one, I sent a message to your mum today anonymously, but it is a clear indication - I want to know the truth of your paternity. Obviously you know that I think I am your biological father, but it is just impossible for me to plan for the future without knowing. I can deal with the situation simply because I have to respect your mum's wishes and I will not take you away from her. But I am adamant about this. I do not want it to impact on you ever, well if it does only in a positive way. I am sorry you are in the middle of this because I love you. Love always xxx

Cold morning

Little One, It is cold this morning, but I had another dream of you and it made me feel warm inside. You were a toddler playing on a trike and just wheeling around in such delight. It made me weep with happiness to see you there. It has been hard without your mum this Christmas, and it is going to be even harder without you next year. I love you darling love always xxx

Merry Christmas

My darling child, Merry Christmas. I love you so very much and wish I were with you today and every day. All my love forever xxx

Christmas for you

My darling Little One, This may the last post before Christmas, and I just wanted to put up my Christmas card message to you and your mum. The one I did not send. The golden aurora is shimmering over the purple blue sky. The mountains rise majestically over the horizons. Under foot the brightest, whitest snow lies waiting for your feet to make it crunch. The air is cold and the silence is broken only by the gentle whisper of the wind. The world looks like it is there just for you, because it is. Have a lovely Christmas and I know the next one will be the best for you both. I wish you the world and fulfilment of all your dreams. With love, always. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and it just because it is difficult to write at home that I am not writing. I love you so much Little One. Love always. xx

Adoption and us

Darling Little One, I am sure that you will be beginning to enjoy Christmas with your mum. I am certain she will be oozing happiness - she always told me how much she loved Christmas. I never got to experience it with her which is another regret. It is a time for family in my view and that is why it is a double edged sword for me. I want to spend it with you. But family is on my mind. I have been talking to my wife and we are actively pursuing adoption. I do not think that this means anything in terms of neglecting my commitment to you, you are still the most important thing that ever happened to me, but I want more, Little One, I need to have a family. Hopefully we will be accepted and you will have a half brother or sister that maybe, just maybe, you can meet and love. In the same way I will always love you. Hope you understand this. Love always xxx

Time flies by

Sweet little one, I keep thinking about how quickly time is flying by. In a matter of months you will be coming into the world properly. It is going to be your oyster! Whilst I am distant from you, you are in my heart and mind and dreams. I wish I could be at your birth, able to cuddle you and give a kiss that says I love you always and forever. I know that this is all unrealistic and that denial is unhealthy for me, but in my dreams we are always together. I like my dreams. I am counting the moments sweet baby until you are born. I love you. Love always xxx

Nature is beautiful

Darling Little One, Life is full of little joys, many that I hope you will witness or participate in. Today I saw one of those amazing things that happens in nature. I was eating my sandwich in the park and thinking about you (I do that most of the time when I am alone), and rather than throw the bread in the bin, I threw it to the birds. A crow swept down and ate a little bit of bread. Then it picked up a couple more pieces of bread and flew a few metres away to a tree. It used leaves to conceal the bread from view presumably so it could eat later! In 37 years I have never seen a crow do this, and being a country boy that is surprising. It was a beautiful and entertaining moment for me. Nature is a beautiful thing, be it you snuggled up inside your mummy or birds or the sun or the stars. In this modern world it is often easy to forget these joys. I am sure you will see many wondrous things and places, but sometimes the most amazing are there on your doorstep. Love always xxx

Optimism

Little one, I know that you are ok. I had a two word message from your mum (anonymous, but I knew) and it fills me with joy! No matter how much life takes its toll on me (and it does sometimes) it is moments like this that I live for. I want to hug everyone and smile. I feel like everything is right in the world now. And that is down to you, the most beautiful child in the world. I LOVE YOU!!! Love always, xxx

More thinking...

Little One, One of the most stubborn thoughts in my head is how would you feel about all of this? I have a lot of advice from several people, but I am never sure what the best is for you. Finding out later in life that your dad is not your real dad is hard for the best of people. The question will always be why? And in some ways that will always be for your mum and dad to answer. As you know I really want to be your dad, but your mum wants the dad you are with. OK, but looking at it another way: Do any of us have the right to deny you access to your biological father (assuming that I am - the whole premise of this blog)? I am conflicted on this as you know from previous entries. My problem is that, if it was me, I would want to know - even if you still did not spend any time with me. There is no real way to explain this though, it is a moral judgement according to my own set of morals. Honesty is so important - I was once a pretty dishonest person when I was much younger, but today I try to avoid lying at any time. An honest person can never be wrong although they can make mistakes. As usual it comes back down to your parents, the ones who have looked after you and loved you thus far. Ultimately it will be their decision, and I hope that they make the right one for you. Missing you sweet little one. Love always xxx

thinking...

Darling Little One, My mood has improved during the day as I have been thinking happy thoughts about you. I am sorry so much of this seems unhappy, it is not how I want to be, I just find this whole situation difficult. You are so important to me, and I just want you to know that. I really do want you and your mum to have the best, and it does hurt that I cannot be the one to provide that to you. Forgive me when I am negative. You are going to be perfect and the best thing that ever happened to any of us. I love you. Love always xxx

The good of the majority

Morning Little One, I am really hoping that you are ok today. I am less and less happy as time goes on. I feel sad almost all the time and it is becoming increasingly difficult to think of anything but you. I do not know how I am going to be when you are born. I fight the urges to go into denial and to run away because it really will not solve anything. I cannot regret you, but sometimes I almost wish I had never met your mother. I know that is a contradiction. She made me so happy when we were together but now all she does is keep me from you. I wonder whether she thinks that it would help me deal with things. I doubt it - I suspect it will help her deal with things better. That is obviously important as it will make your life easier. I know that is the important thing but somehow I am unable to be happy about it. I suppose I am becoming more selfish, or perhaps more self absorbed. I really do not want this to happen as it is not my true character. I want everyone in this situation to be happy. I just do not think it is going to be possible, and sadly for me, the good of the majority is more important than the good of the one. So I suppose that is todays life lesson. Love always x

Sad me.

Little one, Today has been a real struggle. Dreaming of you seems to have unleashed a torrent of emotions. I cannot lie to you, I really want to be with you. I have spent the whole day just thinking about you and how you are so special. What can I do? Some cultures in this world think that multiple parents are a good thing. Some tribes treat all men as the fathers to all the children. I do not want to disrupt your family but there must be some way that I can be with you. I cannot bear the idea of trying to do it by suing your parents. They will just hate me and that could so easily be projected onto you. I cannot suppress my feelings though and how do I live with myself? I have had a good cry, but I do not think the tears ever stop inside. I used to be happy all the time. Now I am not. One of my friends suggested counselling but I do not know how it will help. You are all I want. I miss you. Love always xx

Dreaming of you

Little one, I dreamt of you last night. It is the first time that I have, or at least the first time that I remember the next day. I cannot say it was a happy dream as it was observational - seeing you with your mum from a distance was hard for me, but you did look happy and you looked healthy and this comforts me. I am finding it harder and harder to think of you being apart from me forevermore. I just do not know how to try and approach your mum about seeing you occasionally because I do not think your mum would accept it. I always try to think about what is best for you, and of course I cannot talk to you about it. You are my ray of light. I love you. Love always, xxx

Starlight

Little one, I hope that you are ok. I have spent the weekend with my family which has been nice though it always now makes me think of what I am going to be missing out on. I went outside at around 2am with my dog so he could take a rest break and once again I found myself staring at the stars which are so bright there. I stood for around 20 minutes gazing in what was really wonder - there are just so many. I thought of you and hope that you will get to see such sights and have the same feelings as me. The world is a beautiful place and a gift to us all. I picked the North Star to remind me of you - so bright, so beautiful. It means I will always see the stars in a different way and means even more to me. I am missing you lovely little one. Love always x

Conquering our fears

Little one, I have something to admit to you. I am terrified of the dentist. It is a silly fear but we all have our phobias reasonable or not. It started off when I was eleven and having a number of teeth taken out. I just refused to go after that. When I met your mum, she told me that I should go. As you know I have a lot of respect for your mum, and I did listen to a lot of the things she said. It still took me six months to go, but with the support of a very good friend I went along yesterday. The big chair was as scary as I remember it being, but the dentist did put me at ease straight away. After an examination and some X-rays he told me that I had great teeth, but they were very dirty. He has booked me in for a clean later in the month. The point is that scared as I was I was able to make myself do it. Sometimes we have to challenge our fears and do something about it. I have little to be scared of really, and my biggest fear is really not knowing about whether you are truly my child and never getting to see you if you are. That challenge puts everything else into perspective and is one that sadly seems as far away from solving as ever as I do not want to hurt your mum or your dad. I'm sorry if that means we never meet. It is all I really want. Love always x

Childhood to enjoy

Little one, I hope that you are happy in the warmth of your mummy's tummy today. Soon you will be out and your life journey will begin. I have been thinking about this, and it reminded me of why I started this blog. I think that I have been so wrapped up in the turmoil of the last few months, that I forgot that this is all about you, not me. So I am going to talk to you about you. Childhood is a gift, one that in some ways I wasted. Well, that's not true but if I knew then what I know now I would have done so much differently. I would have socialised with other children more, played more team games (although i was a pretty reasonable rugby player!)but more importantly allowed myself to be a child for longer. I hope that you have an idyllic childhood and get to go places and explore with the same sense of wonder that I did. The innocence of childhood is so very precious and I hope you hold onto it for many years. Peer pressure and life in general can damage that innocence and there is little that you can do about it. It is down to your mum and dad to protect you, andI am convinced they will do their best to do so. I hope that you manage to learn about being a good person. Be honourable, be kind, be generous. How you treat the weakest is the measure of your true nature. If you are my son I would want you to treat the weakest as the ones you would protect and look after. But in some ways the most important thing is to be yourself. This is the time that you will have the most freedom to be yourself that you will ever have. Use it wisely. I feel able to talk to you again and it makes me happy. Love always x

Big doubts.

Little one, I have a confession: I do not know what to say to you. As my relationship with your mother fades away, so I feel more and more detached from knowing about you. At first it was easy, I had been there and still in contact with your mum and had some hope to see you in the future. That hope is dying now even if my love is not. I am withdrawing my emotions again to protect myself. They call it denial and it is a very bad thing. The problem is that I hate myself for it because you are worth so much more than this. Maybe it is for the best that you and your mum and dad are together. What sort of father would I be? I do love you more than anything else. It just all seems so unfair on you and my guilt is overwhelming. I cannot understand how it has come to this. I suppose that it is the lack of hope that is the problem. You are my reason to be happy at the moment. I will try to carry on, but I am sorry. Love always x