Indescisive

Darling Little One, I hope that everything is ok in your life. Still no contact from your mum, so we obviously have had no contact. I am alright. I have been trying to sort out my life and all the changes that have happened. It is odd being single again after nearly twenty years. More to the point I have been trying to adjust and sort out my feelings. Again I considered abandoning this blog as too painful, but I am again drawn back. I just wish I knew the truth. Still will end up writing the same thing time and time again. What is odd is finding out how many people of my age are suddenly single. There seems to be a lot of splitting up going around. I hope that your parents are solid with you on the scene. I feel pretty optimistic about moving on for all sorts of reasons and I feel like I did 20 years ago. It is good. I wish that you were around me though, that would make things perfect. Stay happy Little One xxxx

Are you here?

Darling Little One I suppose that this is the toughest time so far for me. I know you must have been due and are probably born now and obviously I have not seen you and had no contact from your mum. I don't know what to say about that. I really had hoped that she would at least tell me that you had been born and whether she knew who your father was. I suppose it was an unrealistic hope for all the reasons that you know. I hope that you are enjoying real life and feel the glorious sunshine on your skin. I envy your mum and dad, I freely admit it getting to be with you and cuddling you. I really do wish I could share in their joy. My joy is confined to your existence and the warm feeling that you are alive and well in my mind, and hopefully in real life. I have struggled to write still because of this, but also because my wife and I have decided to separate. We want very different things, but we want to remain friends. She would have taken you in with me had your mum and dad not wanted you, and I would be grateful to her for that, but I wonder how happy we all would have been. Anyway it is irrelevant now. I feel better for making the decision because once I am divorced I can follow some of my dreams. Not you, you understand, much as I love you and you are a dream of mine, it must be you or your mum who contacts me. The temptation to write to her is enormous, to ask her for a photo, to ask her to let me meet you, to ask her for the truth, but ultimately it would hurt everyone involved. I still think of you day and night and they are good thoughts. I have decided to write to you every week. I think that it means that I can get on with life, but at the same time maintain a relationship with you (a fairly one sided one!) I want to remember all of these feelings and give you the opportunity to see the world through my eyes. Welcome to the World Little One. I love you Love always x

Sometimes it is difficult to write

Darling Little One I am not sure why I have found it difficult to write recently. I am sorry that it is the case that I have. I suppose it is mainly because you could arrive in the world at any time and I have to confess… I am scared. I’m scared of so much. I am scared of never seeing you. Of never knowing the truth about you. Of never knowing you. I suppose it is a bit of a cop out. You mean the world to me and as everything else in my life is crumbling, you are my ray of light, the proof that the future is worthwhile. I need to tell you what else is going on. I am getting divorced. My wife blames you, or rather, she blames your mother for this, but it is not the case. Well, not directly anyway: she and I want different things. I want a happy, normal marriage and children and she does not. This has made our relationship impossible to continue. You have made all this happy and I am so grateful to you for just being you and your mother for showing me another way. I never wanted to hurt my wife, but she has hurt me so much over the last few years and you made me realise what was important to me. I will try and continue with this blog. You are worth it, but in some ways I feel that I should let you go, not because I want to, but it would be easier for everyone involved. But either way my heart truly belongs to you. I love you. xxxx

A poem about you

Darling little one, I wrote a poem about you. I hope you like it if you ever read it. I see your face in my dreams I cradle your body in my arms The world is still or so it seems So excited in a perfect calm I feel your tiny fingers around mine Your face questions the sensation Whilst mine just stares and shines You are a wonder, my great elation I love you, unconditionally I love you, silently I love you, though we are severed I love you always and forever. You're timeless in my mind In a simple moving image You were never mine but I love that image. Love you. xxx

Happy inspiration

Darling Little One, I am a happy chap today. Not sure why - work is going well, but my thoughts of separation are playing on my mind a little bit. Nevertheless, it is not long til you are born and that is a huge plus for me. Whenever I imagine you, you are a happy baby but so small. Not small for a baby mind, just small next to a 6'1, 17 stone man like me. I often imagine your tiny hand in mine and my hand touching your soft face. It is of course a fantasy really but, I can live our lives through my dreams and I find it inspirational. You are the greatest part of my life and whilst you don't know it, I am here for you always and forever. I love you xxxx

Feeling down

Darling little one, Sorry been feeling down recently. My world is falling to pieces currently and it is taking all my effort to remain positive. I did have a lovely holiday with my nieces and nephews but I was surrounded by pregnant women and toddlers. It made me think of you, which was good, but also the sadness of not having the children permanently in my life. My wife told me she intended to get sterilised last night to make sure I knew there was no chance of her having children. It was a massive blow - as you know I have hoped and hoped that she would change her mind, but now I know it is not going to happen. I suppose I have a choice now. Stay and hope that at some point we will get to meet each other ro go and make a new life for myself. Times like this are really hard for people. People on the whole do not like change - it frightens them, and I am no different. I have been with her for 20 years and this will be a horrific change for me. Sometimes we need to make the hard choices to get what we want and I am afraid sooner or later you will face a tough decision. It is worse because it comes so soon after making the decision not to try and force myself into your life. That was the honourable and right thing to do though so in some ways it is easier. Sorry that you have to read about this, but I promised you the highs and lows and experience. I love you. Been too long since I told you that. I love you more than anything else. Love always xxxx

Another holiday

Daling little one, I hope that you are growing and enjoying your time in the womb! I am off on holiday again with my nieces and nephews. It is going to be wonderful to see them again and to play and just have children around me. It does make me slightly sad about our position but I have no power over that so I will make the most of what I have. I do miss seeing you grow and think of it often. I still dream of you many times and it is a comfort. I wish it were more. I still feel that shiver of excitement whenever I think of you, I just cannot stop myself. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I will always love the idea of you even if I cannot give you the love I want to give you. I will try and write whilst I am holiday. Thinking of you always. With love xxx

Peer pressure

Darling Little One, I am sadly suffering from peer pressure and it is all about you. I have very few people that I talk to you about, and they are all trying to persuade me to push your mum for testing and for access. I am reluctant as you know because I do not want to endanger chances of us having a relationship in the future and because I care deeply about your mum. It is true that my friends and family have your and my best interests at heart, but I cannot allow myself that luxury, or at least in my case. You are really the only thing that matters in this situation. They all know I would do anything for you and I suppose they are trying to protect and help me achieve that. Sometimes (and if you read through of the blog, you can tell when) I feel that they are right, but ultimately they do not know your mother, what a good woman she is and how she will give you the best start in life. I hope that if it transpires that you are "our" child (not that she would ever describe the situation that way), she will be honest with you. Equally I hope that she will be honest with me. In emergency situations it is important to know that she can contact me. I hope that you are well. Only a few more weeks and you will be here! It is so exciting! Love always xxx

Ivan Cameron

Darling Little One, Today I want to tell you about a severely disabled boy, born to the leader of a political party. Ivan Cameron had cerebral palsy and epilepsy and sadly died last night at the age of six. His parents obviously loved him and gave him the best life that they could. It is very sad that this happened and obviously my heart goes out to them. I have extensive experience of epilepsy as my wife suffers from a strong form of it. It is not life threatening in her case as she is medicated, but I have had to look after her many times when she has suffered fits. This is part of the reason why I feel for Ivan's parents. Of course as David Cameron is a public figure, it has been big news today, but the death of any child is so sad. I hope that you have the health that Ivan did not have, but at the same time I wish you the love that his parents had for him. Rather sombre today I'm afraid. I love you xxx

Educating minds

Darling little one, I have spent today preparing for my new job. I am promoting an education website for my employer. Part of this is being involved in the development of the website. I had to endure a three hour meeting where people who thought they were very important talked at the experts to tell them where they are going wrong. It is a sad day when people with very little knowledge lecture experts. I kept my mouth shut! I am an expert in several fields but information architecture is not one of them. The point of this is that listening to people and being humble enough to recognise where someone knows more than you do is a good thing. Sure, I have opinions and am good at spotting pitfalls in the front end, but I am not a techie so I let them tell me the best thing to do. I hope that whatever you do, you do not turn into one of those bores. I am sure you won't - you are going to be perfect! :) Love always xxx

Dreams again

Darling Little One, I never ceases to amaze me that I remember dreams about you. I never remember my dreams and it makes me so happy. You always seem to be a laughing toddler and I wonder if that will change as you get older. The only other dream that I had was of you being born. This obviously is not a premonition as I will not be there. But all the happiness you display makes me think that you are going to be a very happy child. That is the best thing that could happen. Hope that you are ok only another few weeks and you will be seeing the world for the first time. I am very excited! Love always xxxx

Biological Father vs Real Father

Darling little one, I have been thinking about this long and hard. As I think you realise, I do not and would not want ever to usurp your real dad as a father figure. What is more difficult is what right I have to be part of your life. I am seeking legal advice on this because I cannot get past the fact that I do want to be there for you. This is a very difficult decision for me, as it really goes against my ethics. Firstly you need to be with your mum. Secondly you deserve the best shot at happiness. Thirdly this is going to hurt everyone involved. But equally I believe that the truth is the most important thing in the world. I believe that it is your right to know your heritage and it is my duty to ensure that if you do have a wider family, that you have access to it. I have no idea how to address this problem. In a normal circumstance I would just talk to your mum about it, but of course that is not really possible - we have not communicated since November. I have no intention of making things difficult, but equally I do not know how to get round the problem. I would never try and demonstrate that your dad is anything but your primary care provider i.e. your dad, but at the same time if you are mine, you have a big family who will love you and be there for you. I wish I could ask you what you want. I love you. Otherwise I would not even consider this. Love always. xxx

Been a long time...

Darling Little One, I am sorry it has been a long time since I wrote to you. It is not always easy to write, and whilst I feel guilty about not writing, I have been thinking about you all the time. In fact thinking is all I ever do. I am getting to a bit of a quandry and am going to explain this to you. I want to see you. This is not going to make your mum or dad happy. I think I will know if I can see you and I suspect I am not going to get the paternity test that I want. This, of course, runs the risk of alienating your mum, but I just do not know what else to do. This is tearing me up inside and I need to sort myself out sooner or later. What I do not want is to be in doubt for the rest of my life, never knowing if there is some chance that you might turn up and say - 'Hey I'm your son'. I can deal with the doubt if I know the truth, or at least I can deal with it better. So this is what I have been thinking of. It was your mum's birthday the other day and I managed to resist sending her a card. I wanted to of course but I didn't. Goodness only knows what will happen when I want to send you cards and presents. Won't be allowed of course. This is not a good situation my darling, but at least you will be born and be the best thing in all our lives. Love always xx

Snow and bad news

Well, Little One, it looks like you have just missed having a major snowfall in the first few years of your life! London has been covered in the most snow for 18 years and it has caused chaos here. Funnily enough I rather enjoyed it. I built a snowman for you. It was fun, but obviously made me sad that we would not be doing that together. I did it because it let me think about you though. In other news I did not get the job which was pretty disappointing. I suppose I just feel down as things are not really going my way at the moment. I don't have you, I cannot have children at home, my career is stalling and so on. But I am trying to keep a smile on my face and make the most of what I do have. There is no point in moping and self pity is very unattractive. Really all I have to do is think of you and everything seems better. Love always xxx

Working

Darling Little One, Sorry I have not written, I have been preparing for a job interview and out and about. Life sometimes means you do not have time for the important things and you are definitely the most important thing. I feel pangs of guilt for not having written. I am sorry. The job interview went really well and now all I have to do is wait. Whether I get the job or not I can hand on heart say that I gave it my all and delivered a good performance. Sometimes you do your very best and there is someone better than you. There is no shame in that. But it is alwas important to do the best you can. I suppose for some years I have been slacking, forgetting some of the important things. Thankfully I have you to think about and to inspire me. I hope that everything is ok with you. I think of you always. Love you xxx

Missed you

Darling Little One, I am finally back from being away. The hardest thing about it was not being able to write to you. I miss this contact, where I can share my thoughts and life with you. Obviously there is lots I do not talk about, not because I don't want to, but because this is about you and me. I have thought about you a lot and how much I want to be a father. I am now convinced that I will not be giving you a half brother or sister in my marriage. It saddens me greatly. I suppose the problem is that I have so much to give to a child and I really want to give a life to someone that is everything it can be. I apreciate that if I am your father, I have partly achieved that, but it is the life experience and love that I want to give. I am pushing 40 now and these dreams are just receding. It is a constant source of sorrow for me. I hope that you have an opportunity to have a family. I would urge you to take that oppportunity earlier rather than later like your mum did. If you find someone to have a child with, make sure early on that they understand that. And please understand that when you are young it often seems like an imposition to have children, but most of us change our minds when we get older. I mean this advice in the best possible way - you have to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. I am doing that now, but my regrets are great. I do not want you to suffer in the same way I am. I love you Little One. xxx

Off for work

Darling Little One, It is getting so close to your birth and I am quite irrationally excited by it. Funny I have not seen you, or rather any pictures of you, since the 13 week scan that was three months ago. I still look at the pictures from that scan everyday. I cannot begin to tell you how much I miss being in your presence. I am off now for a work visit for the next week, and I really do not know if I will have any internet access, and that, of course, means I may not be able to write. I will be thinking of you everyday as I always do. You give me strength and inspire me to be better. I hope that everything is ok and you are getting bigger and stronger and ready to meet the world for the first time. Maybe one one day our worlds will meet too. Love you Little One. xxx

Weekend revelations

Little One, I hope that you are ok. I am good at the moment having had an interesting weekend. I have to admit that I had a bit of an epiphany - I realised that no matter how much I love my wife, I cannot carry on my marriage without children. I now have to talk to her about it, but the main reason she told me that she could not have children was because of her medication. Having now checked, I know that this is not strictly true, there is a higher than normal chance of birth abnormality, but this is a risk that I am prepared to take, and if she wishes to be with me, so must she. You are not the main cause of this but my feelings for you, or more how I feel about children now, is just too strong to ignore. I will end up resenting her or resenting me if I do not have a baby with someone who wants to be with me. Hopefully it will mean that one day you will have a half brother or sister that you can meet and be close to. It is funny how you have touched me and changed my life. Despite the pain of being away from you, you make me happy and I need more of that happiness in my life. Love you xxxx

Brothers

My darling little one, I have been talking to my brother today. He lives in America and we do not often get to see each other. He is having similar problems to me, in the sense that he also really wants children but his partner does not. I did not realise that he was so keen to be a parent. Sometimes there are things about your family that you do not know, and it is down to lack of communication. I barely talk to my sister who lives 10 miles away from me. I do talk to my parents a lot and see them often, but have been unable to summon the courage to talk about you. I wish that things were different sometimes and that I could talk freely about all this. I hope that you will not have these problems with your parents and any siblings you have. We all drift away from each other, but family is so important. I suppose I cannot in truth say blood is thicker than water because of the paternity issue, but, at the same time the moral meaning remains. I am sure that your mum will talk to you and you can trust her. She is very caring. Anyway it is the weekend again so I will only be able to think of you, not write to you. I will be thinking of you a lot. Love always xxx

Talking about you

Darling Little One, Last night I went out with my best friend who, were you and I together, would be like an aunt to you. We had a lovely evening and talked about you, me and her planning to have another child. This was delightful if tinged with sadness for both of us as we both want you to be part of our lives. The best bit though was on my way home. I was reading a book on parenting that she gave me and an old couple asked me when you were due. For five glorious moments I was able to talk about you and the joy I feel about your impending birth. It was one of those things I feel I had missed out on, being able to talk like a proud father to be. It was a bit of fantasy on my part obviously, but I told no falsehoods and allowed myself this piece of happiness. I cannot begin to tell you how fantastic it felt being able to talk about you without having to explain the situation or talk about my unhappiness of not having you in my life. Maybe it was wrong, but it was one of the best experiences of my life. I would not have given it up for anything. It also made me think about all the good things you represent and the happiness you bring to so many people. Love you Little One xxx

Worried

Little One, I am in a dilemma. I know from the anon website that your mum is unhappy about something. She has a history of a certain sort of problem and I am worried that she is unwell. I want to call. I want to ask how she is. I do not feel that it would be welcome, so I asked on the anon website and have not had a response. It saddens me. I do care about her, not only as your mother but also as a friend. And we were friends, well, at least as far as I am concerned. I try not to make things difficult for her, but knowing she is unhappy and my helplessness is a bad combination. I am thinking of her. I am fond of her. I wish I could provide support. Sorry Little One. Sorry that when it matters I am not able to help. Maybe one day that will change. Love always xxx

Hello sunbeam

Little One, I hope that you are warm and safe in your mummy's tummy. I am feeling upbeat as I have just finished a 45 minute jog and put in a job application today. As I said to you earlier in the year I need to change things about myself to ensure that we have the maximum chance of seeing each other. I am doing that properly and am currently exercising for around an hour a day. It is easier than I thought it would be, but that is not to say that it is easy! I hope that you do not let yourself go to the extent that I did for so long. Your health is very important and it is the easiest thing to get wrong. I was not joking when I said to you that you should engage in team sports. It is important for your social skills as well. Being a rounded person is hard - harder than you think it will be and successful people often get it right younger rather than older. None of us are perfect, but I hope you instinctively get it right. Thinking of you little one Love always xxx

Leisure and advice

Sweet Little One, It is the weekend again so immediately more difficult to write to you because of the home situation. I still think of you all the time and think of all the things I would like to do with you at the weekends. I like sailing. It is a relaxing hobby that I rarely get to indulge in. It would be so lovely for you and me to go out on a dinghy and sail on the sea. It was one of the few pastimes that I shared with my father and was bonding. Even better if you can take a fishing rod and try catching your supper (not mine as I do not eat fish!). I am becoming very aware of the world around me and the things that I would want you to see. There is a life out there for you that means that you do not fall into the traps of complacency that so many of us do fall into. I do not know what your parents will encourage you to do, but I would encourage you to experience as much as you can. Go travelling. Go to university (in that order. Walk and observe nature. Sharpen your senses. I am more aware at the ripe old age of 37 than I ever was before - I hope you do not leave it so late. Love you little one xxx

What I'd like to do..

Darling Little One, I would like to see the world a happier place. People often ask can one person make a difference? I personally believe that they can, but need the motivation and the drive to do so. I would like to make a difference so I am going to start doing some voluntary work with a charity. As you may or may not have been told I have certain specialist skills that I am going to use to try and help people. I have come to realise that I have spent too long only helping those close to me when in fact I could do more. It is, to be fair, also part of trying to set an example to you. You may not be there to witness it, but I can tell you about it here. I am increasingly disillusioned with this world and I want to help it heal in my own way. Then, maybe, it can be a better world for you. This sounds pretentious but it is well intentioned and I hope that it will be a good thing. Hope that everything is going well. You will be in your third trimester now- time has flown by! I cannot wait for you to be born, and I really hope that your mum sends me a picture of you. Love always. xxx

Duties of care

Darling Little One, I am off to the doctors soon to take a friend to have her leg seen at. She is a dear friend to me and has had more than her fair share of bad luck when it comes to medical problems. I am going to support her because she needs someone to hold her hand. I tell you this because it is important that you take care of your friends and family at all times. Often they are all you have in difficult times. We all have our arguements and spats, but ultimately the people you care about are more important than anything else. Sadly the world you will inherit does not share my view on all this. Materialism, self interest and isolationism seems to be the way of the world these days. I hope that you will stand out from the crowd and be a caring individual. In fact I know you will be. Love always. xxxx

New year resolutions

Darling Little One, I don't usually believe in New Year resolutions but this year I have you to think of. So in order to prolong my life and therefore increase the probability of being in your life, I have decided to do the following: Give up smoking (Jan 23rd) Get fitter (already started with Yoga and exercise) Lose another two stone (lost two stone in 2008). All of these things will add to my life expectancy. You are a great motivation to me and you are truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope that I will get to see you someday. Love always xxx

How does it feel?

Little one, I have been thinking a lot about pregnancy the last few days. I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant. I have felt baby's kick in their mum's tummies, I have been with pregnant women, I have spoken to friends at length about it but I suppose it is just the curse of my sex that I will never experience it. I suppose that is the bitterest part of this at the moment. I would have loved to share this pregnancy with your mum even if ultimately she was not with me and with your dad. I suppose I just do not understand why she has cut me out. I am sure it would be obvious if I could be objective about this, but I still find it difficult. I hope that one day I will have my own children so I can experience this, but for the time being I will just have to wonder. Anyway, whilst this might sound negative, it's not. I know why I talk about it - it is because I am worried about you and that is normal for someone who feels like a parent. I am still just happy that you are alive. Love always xxx

Happy New Year!

Little One, Well this is actually going to be your first year of course, but I want every year to be happy for you. It will be happy for me because you will be here and I am trying to sort out my life. I hope that I will get to see you and I suppose know the truth. If you are not mine, I think I am going to be heartbroken... I am just so pleased that you, my first child, will be born and I think I can deal with the hardship of not being a dad to you because I trust your mum and dad. I wish them the best too, but of course I cannot tell them. I know sometimes I am contradictory in my feelings about all this, but you really are the best thing ever. April will be the most exciting month ever. Love you little one. Love always xxx