I'm moving on (ish)

My lovely child, I have started my first day of moving on, and as usual fate slaps me in the face. A chance conversation with a young girl reminded me of the difficulties of not being your dad. She has some issues with her own parents, and I can only hope that your mum and dad are honest with you about me. As usual I cannot go into detail to protect those who I love but she is the sweetest girl. I hope you turn out as kind and considerate as her. Her father did abandon her but thankfully now there is a strong father figure in her life. But she is confused and I really do not want that for you. I know your dad is strong- he had to be but it does not make things easy if you do find out about me. Don't really know what to say now. I love you.

You seem further away than ever

My darling child, I am realising that I am less and less likely to see you, especially as your mum will not even tell me how she is let alone you. I have come to accept that she does not want me around you, but it still hurts. As you know I am looking after your cousins, and it is such a joy. God how I envy your mum and dad. Only a few days of parental care and I just feel so different about life. It is hard, of course, but rewarding, helping them, enjoying life and even the arguements! If only I got to do this with you. But it is not to be, and I am now truly letting go of your mum. I tried, but it is not what she wants and I have to deal with that, and I cannot drive her away otherwise there will be even less chance than the miniscule one that remains that I even get to see you. Maybe one day we will get to talk about all this. I love you.

Feeling sorry for myself

My baby, I am sorry I know the last few posts have been a bit on the sad side. It is only the strength of my feelings for you and my complete confusion. I have been thinking more and more about what to do. In some ways I should just be happy that you exist and that your mum must presumably be sorting herself out, but I suppose I really had such hopes or our future as a family when I had no right to expect that. Forgive me, I am going to be more positive. Well at least I am going to try. I love you

Maybe a bit of a break

My child, I am sorry, I probably not going to be posting much for a week. I will be looking after what may be your cousins whilst my sister in law goes on holiday. Much as I am looking forward to it, I am sure that it is just going to make being apart from you even harder. I suppose it is one of the few chances I get to be with children in a family situation. As you may have guessed that is what I want in my life. Sorry, I am sitting here crying again. This is just miserable for me. The only thing that keeps me going is hope, and with everyday that your mother ignores me the hope just recedes. I do not know how I will cope once you are born. You are the joy of my life, yet before you I was sort of happy. Now I am just sad almost all the time. I do not want to feel this way anymore. Should I give up this blog? Should I give you up? Should I give up hope? And even if I do what is left for me now? I have tasted fatherhood and it is now an almost insatiable urge to be a parent. And to do that I need to really radically change my life, hurt just about everyone I love who is left to me, and, well, start again. I could have done it with your mother. But she didn't want it. I so wish she did. This was supposed to be a happy post telling you about family you don't even know you have and about how much I love children. I could have deleted the text, but it is important you realise that your actions have consequences. You are a consequence of mine, and whilst your life is the greatest miracle ever, the consequences for me are possibly a lifetime of regret - not about you, but about my missed opportunities, and my failings. You are the greatest thing that I have ever been part of. I love you darling child so very much.

I want to be there.

My sweet, I hope that everything is ok with you and your mum. She seems to be managing with the no contact thing at the moment, and I am not. It takes all my determination not to send her a message or email, or just pick up the phone. Because I think that is what she wants. And all I want is to lie with my arms around her, cuddling you both. I know this is my sacrifice for your happiness, but I wish that it was not so hard. I love you.

Matters of life and death

My child, Today one of my true friends phoned to tell me that her father had died. Death is part of all our lives and inescapable, but I wanted to tell you something about this good man. He was a member of the French Resistance in the second world war. He escaped France early during the war but returned after training in Britain to fight Nazism. You cannot underestimate the risk that he put himself under - if he had been caught he would have been shot as a spy. He helped defeat one of the great evils of the 20th Century. I tell you this because he would seem like an ordinary man if you met him. He did not talk of his war years, or of the terrible things he had seen. It seems to me that he did his duty to help his fellow man. Whatever you may think of war and fighting, there are people out there who fight to protect your freedoms and mine. They should demand your respect and thanks, but most of them (and I know a lot of military men and women) don't ask for it. Remember when you see these people that they are prepared to lay their lives on the line for you, and perhaps a smile or a wave of recognition is due. One of the things that I intend with this diary is to pass on my thoughts, ideals and knowledge to you. I cannot make you live by my morals or judgements, and in fact I want you to find your own way. I am very conventional in someways, and completely unconventional in others. But I really hope that you have the wisdom to respect those who are prepared to sacrifice themselves so that you don't have to. I am off to see my friend now, to support her as best I can - in the end all we all have is our family, friends and loved ones. Thinking of you. I love you.

Heroes

My dear, Today is another bad day. I just cannot stop thinking about you and what I should do and now I suppose I am trying to sort myself out after a bit of self pity. As I see it I can do one of a few things. One, I can go to court to get access to you. Two, I can talk to your parents and ask them. Three I can just suffer in silence, but at least make things easy for your family. I do not want to go to court - it is not what anyone wants, but equally, I know that your parents do not want me in your life either. I do not want to be the villain in your life - and I have the feeling this will be how I will be painted if I try to see you. It is not your parents fault - remember, this was not what was planned, and especially given that your dad has taken a decision to stick by your mum. Most of the few people I have spoken to say that I should fight to see you. I want to so much, but do not want to risk your happiness. Or your mums. I just want to be with you always and I do not know how I could let you go at the end of a visit. I want to be your hero. There is a song by David Bowie called Heroes and I listen to it a lot because it reminds me of some of my situation. I relate it to your mum and me. "I could be King and you, you could be Queen, though nothing, nothing will drive them away, we could be heroes, just for one day". It sort of speaks to me, that we were trying to escape problems, but in the end we were heroes on the day that we created you. I relate a lot of my life to music, so I suppose you had better get used to it! I do feel better though now because I am talking to you. I just hope that one day I can do it for real. I love you.

Low ebb

My darling child, Sorry I have not posted for a few days. Things are really difficult at the moment. I feel empty. The truth is that I have really screwed up what I have and lost what I wanted most. I am just living a fantasy that somehow I might get to be part of your life, but I know it is not going to happen, and that is what is hurting me. I tried to talk to your mum about it to let her know that I really do want this but she closed up. I tried to talk to my wife about it and she just got even more upset and demanded that I cut off your mother entirely. I know that I have only myself to blame. I need to let you go but I simply cannot escape the feelings. I spoke to my best friend about it at the weekend. She understood: she is a mother. And the problem is that something in my brain is now turned on... a switch marked daddy... and I can't turn it off. No matter how much I try to explain this to either of them, they cannot comprehend it. I think that your mum thinks I should just turn off the feelings and deal with her and your dad bringing you up, and my wife cannot understand why I would want to be in the situation. I have to say I just feel utterly alone and dejected. It is like having a big Christmas present that you know is there but you are never allowed to open it. I really hate this situation and myself for being so stupid. I should have done something different but I do not know what. I wish I was your proper daddy - you are all I think about. Life sometimes does kick you and sometimes you do stay down for a while. I know I need to be stronger - for my family, and for your family, but I don't know where the strength is going to come from. I finally understand what despair means. I hope that you never feel this way. I love you.

Missing your mother

Hello my dear, I hope that you are happy in the womb at the moment, and when you finally read this. I know I talk a lot about your mum. I may well not have seen her for years by the time you read this, but I want you to know that I love her. It is important to realise that you were born of love, at least on my part. You know that I am married, so I am briefly going to touch on the subject of polyamoury. I doubt that it will be any more acceptable in your day than it is in mine, but it is my firm belief that you can love more than one person completely. My wife and I are of the same beliefs on this, and if you meet her you can talk to her about it. Your mother is so special, and many of my tears are the loss of her. I understand why it had to be but it does not make it any easier. I just want to hold her and you in my arms all of the time. We were good together, and I think could have been more. When she is happy it just radiates out of her, she has beautiful emotive eyes. I hope that the mum you know is still the same. She has had some big things to deal with in her life, but she loves you and wants you so much. She just suffers from doubts sometimes and you may see some of that. Support her if you can. Her love for you is unconditional as is mine. The truth is I miss her more than I can tell her and I must not tell her as she has made the decision to be with your dad. Sometimes I wonder should I have fought for what I really wanted - you and her. I don't know and I suppose I never will. But the point of this is that you should fight for what you want. Of course you should consider other people's feelings, but I have lost both of you for exactly that reason. And that is a constant source of pain for me now. Sounds bad doesn't it? I just hope that you do not make the same mistakes that I did. In the end though you are the man or woman that you are, and I am immensely proud of you for getting this far. I love you.

Your scan

I have just seen your scan! Your mother was so kind and sent it to me. You are so lovely and I am so happy but crying at the same time. This is even harder than I thought it would be. She is convinced that you are a boy, and maybe you are. We cannot really communicate but she does tell me what is going on. It is very hard for her - I know that she feels disloyal for telling me things, but she is good hearted and knows how much you mean to me. I do wonder how much longer she will keep me informed. We both know that really we should not talk to each other. She has chosen to remain with your dad as he will give you a good life. I think I could have given you that too, but it had to be her choice and I respect that. Even if you are not mine, I feel closer to you than any other child I have ever known. I suppose that this is the difficulty. I assume that you are mine because I want you to be. Obviously the best thing for you is that your dad is really your dad and not me, but I cannot really bring myself to want that. Sorry - I am selfish sometimes. I have been staring at your picture for the last twenty minutes trying to think of the words to describe how I feel. There are just too many words and I cannot structure a sentence, so I will just say some of them: love, joy, beauty, warmth, home, butterflies, hope. Hope as in my hope for your future. That you can be everything you want to be and more. I don't know what will happen, but I hope that you make the world a better place as I have always tried to in my life. Remember one person can always make a difference. Sorry been a bit rambling today. I am just emotional. I love you.

First words...

My child, If you are reading this it is probable that a DNA test has shown that I am your father. I am sorry that you do not know me. It is not how I would have wanted it. At the moment you are inside your mother, 13 weeks into the pregnancy. I have not seen your scan, I have been told that I will not be part of your life, as your mum and dad wish to raise you as their own. I do not even truly know if you are mine. But I love you more than anything else in the world. I have decided to keep this blog in case you want to know about me and my feelings for you. Your mum and dad have looked after you. I made a decision not to try and gain access or interfere although I wanted to more than you will ever know. I have a lot of time for your mother. She is a wonderful woman. We were together for a short time during a period of weakness and difficulty. I miss her everyday at the moment. Your father is a good man. He took you on not knowing whether you were his or mine. It takes a big man to do that. Sir Isaac Newton said, "If I seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." He recognised the part that others had in his achievement. I hope that you realise that everything you are is because you have been standing on the shoulders of your mum and dad. I bear them no malice for keeping me from you. I would have given anything for you to be in my life, but you needed your mum and she needed him more than she needed me. These decisions are difficult, and I hope that you never have to make them yourself. I can barely look at myself because of the guilt that I feel for abandoning you, and you are not even born yet. I truly believe that you are my child. The dates seem to suggest it, but I have to bury those feelings. The problem is I also have a wife, who I love dearly. We have a special relationship, that I cannot tell you about at this moment, but it allows us to see other people. We cannot have children and I had given up hope. If your parents had not wanted you, we would have taken you in and raised you as ours, with your mother being able to see you whenever she wanted. Instead I have to do deal with the fact that you are going to be someone else's child. And I have to look after my wife. I am here for your mother now, and will always be there for you, she knows that. But at the moment I cannot see me being part of your life. I wish I could. I love you.