Back again

Little one, I have been having a bit of a crisis of confidence the last few days. I seriously considered giving up this blog, but I have to say that I cannot. It is not that I want to, but I am trying to sort things out in my head. I want you to know the truth, because no matter what else I say and do to everyone else on the planet, you are the only one that I am always true to. The truth is that I am confused as to my feelings. I feel like I have to abandon you because I will have no part in your life. I feel like if I do not get your mother out of my head I will never truly be free to move on. I feel like I am a ghost. So what do I do? Well the truth is that I have to take responsibility for my actions. I got myself into this with your mother. You are a lifetime's responsibility and if all I can do is write for you in the hope that one day you want to know about me, well then I damn well should. I am sorry that I have been letting you down the last few days. Take care darling child. Love always x

Back to the blog

Little one, I am sorry that I have not been around. I have had a pretty bad chest infection and have not been able to do much. It has given me lots of time to think though. I have been thinking of you, of my relationship with your mum and my relationship at home amongst other things. I still do not know what I think about so many things to do with this situation. I know that confusion is a common thread in my writings and probably makes it boring and repetitive, but it is honest. My relationship at home is better at the moment but there is still no movement on the question of children. I will be back to writing properly soon - you deserve it. Love always x

Coughing through the day

Little one, I am coughing like an old man today as I have have a cold. Now this is obviously years in your past, but I have to say I hope you inherit a better chest than me! My point here is to take care of yourself. Some people obsess about dirt and germs, but these are the very things that build up your immunity. I spent the first years of my life on farms and they were not the cleanest places in the world, but for many years I did not suffer any illnesses. What you want to avoid is things like smoking and overeating, and making an effort to stay fit and eat fruit and veg. I have of course ignored most of my own advice, but like I said I want you to be able to learn from my mistakes! Hope you are feeling healthy today and when you read this. Love always x

Ups and downs... again

Little one, I saw a good friend of mine today for the first time since she gave birth to her little boy earlier in the year. I told her about you and she was full of sage advice. It is funny how parents react differently to people who do not have children. The way I describe my feelings to them is always understood. The fact that you are more important to me than almost anything and the grief I feel at the loss of you being in my life. I do not get to feel you kick, I do not get to tell everyone, I do not get to see your mother in full bloom. These are all profound regrets for me. My ups are smaller, but significant. I am talking to someone about my problems and recognising certain issues that I have had for many years. I am getting on slighty better with my wife and I am more myself. I hope that when you get to read this you have been brought up in an environment where you can talk about your problems. I think that this was my problem. Not that my parents were bad - they were great. But I suppose that is a story that needs further thought before I tell you about it. Love always x

Quiet moments

Little one, I missed posting to you yesterday, I have been coming to terms with some of my other issues in my life. I am trying to make changes that my experience with you and your mother catalysed. I really want to have children and I want to be happy. I realise that this may mean that my wife and I may have to go our separate ways. I must admit this is not something that I really want, but I am struggling to see where to go from here without separating. I love her, I really do, but I suppose being with your mum opened my eyes anyway, and my unconditional love for you is greater in some ways than the love I have ever had for anyone. So can I change? Well that is the big question. I think that I can, but it is going to come at a cost - hurting the person I have spent 20 years of my life with. Is it worth it? Well some say yes. Well actually everyone I have spoken to says yes. But of course they have not been with someone for so long. I don't know. It is in these quiet moments that I think about this, you and your mother the most, and my doubts are at their greatest. No other child could ever replace you, but I am not trying to do that. I want a child because I want to live that life. And maybe you would have a half brother or sister to love. We shall have to see. Love always. x

Armistice Day

Little one, I said at the beginning of writing this blog that I wanted to pass on my experiences and advice. I went to an event today that I want to talk to you about. I had the privilege of attending the Armistice Day service at the Cenotaph today. Standing with my friends and colleagues, both uniformed and civilian, we witnessed the last of a generation of men who fought in the First World War coming together to pay tribute to their fallen fellow servicemen. These are old men aged between 108 and 112 but they gripped their wreaths with pride. As they were pushed up to the Cenotaph by no less than a recipient of the VC, the MC and the DFC a round of applause echoed round Whitehall. The first two wreathes were laid by current servicemen, but when it came to the oldest, Henry Allingham, things slowed down. We realised that he was trying to lay the wreath himself. I will admit it brought a tear to my eye to see this very real hero struggle to make sure he laid it personally. Sure he was supported, but I cannot begin to tell you the emotion and pride involved in that act. When I think of the people who complain day in and day out of all sorts of stuff (myself included) and then compare to these three gentlemen, I truly realise that we will not see their like again. I proud to be there and it is one moment of time I will never forget. I doubt any of these brave men will be alive by the time you can understand what it is about, but I hope you will told about them and their ilk at home and at school. If not I have met one of them and will willingly tell you about him, and all the other heroes. With love.

Staring at the skies

Little one, sometimes all we have is our dreams when things are bad. When I was young I just wanted to party and be 21 forever. Then I grew up got a job and I just wanted to do stuff, go places and see things. But now at the grand old age of 37 I just want to settle and have a good life. My problem is that I do not see how I can at the moment. I dream of happiness with a family of my own, knowing that you are happy with your family. The fact that I do not know how things are going with you is one problem. The other is that I am not in the right place to have a family. We all have to make choices. I suspect I have made a lot of wrong ones, but now I have a big choice to make. The biggest of my life. Do I change everything for the chance of happiness, or do I take a less happy but safe route? These dilemmas are what life is all about. We choose to share our lives with people we love, but are they the right person. And what was right 20 years ago may not be right now. I am in a spin over this and over the coming months you will hear more. But I still have my dreams - I hope you can follow yours. I hope that you are ok. with love.

Love and possession

Little one, I think that I may have had a mini arguement with your mum yesterday on an anonymous website. We were discussing love and whether you should call someone you love "my". I assume it is her as she knows I post there regularly and the poster had the same writing style. Anyway out of respect for her views and thinking some more, I am not going to call you my child anymore. Because regardless of your biological parentage you are always going to be someone elses son or daughter. I think I am beginning to come to terms with that. I have been happier the last few days. I realised that I was becoming someone I have never been: desperate, selfish and miserable. This is not the person I was meant to be, and I have to take a more positive view. SO I am. This does not mean that I am abandoning you - I think that this blog has value to you and to me, but I need to be more detatched from my feelings and submerge them. I would do anything for you or your mother but I know the best thing for both of you is for me to keep quiet, let you all get on with your lives, and if there is some need for the situation to change then it is for your mum to decide. She is level headed and I am sure she will only ever do the best for you. Anyway, I hope that you are ok. I know your mum was getting a sexing scan this week or next - I think she really likes the scans. I know she loves everything to do with you. I'm happy by the way. Hope you're happy too. With love

more life and death

Hello my sweet. I went to my friend's dad's funeral yesterday so I could not write. It went as well as you could expect, but these are always solumn occasions. It brought more things into perspective for me too. I never really considered my mortality until you came into my life, but I now hope that I live long enough to see you at some point - even if it turns out I am not your biological father. I know that seems strange, but I am just so emotionally attached to you. I need to try and get out of the depressed fuzz I seem to be in at the moment. Everyone keeps asking how I am, and in truth I am, well, surviving. Sometimes people ask why am I here? In truth we are here to live, survive, create life and die. I appear to have achieved three out of four, and I have no interest in number 4! Death is of course inevitable, but there is no need to give into it easily. I do not believe in the afterlife, so I want to take my one shot at this life as best I can. This is why I am so keen for you to be everything you want to be, to push yourself - I tried and have succeeded in so much, but have not got everything I ever wanted - even if you exclude being part of your life. Most importantly if you can look in the mirror and say "I tried" and believe it, you will not go far wrong. I love you.

Missing children in my life

My darling, Still no contact from your mum so I think we can safely assume that I am no longer welcome in your life. I have been with children for last week, looking after them as you know. I wrote a note about it for my friends, that i am reprinting here: I have had the pleasure of spending the last week with my nieces and nephew. I thought it was a tremendous experience and I wanted to share some of it with you. Firstly, wow! What an all encompassing life it is with children. They become the focus of your life so easily, but in the best possible way. Looking after their needs, talking to them, trying to encourage them, ensuring that they understand why you are telling them to do things - it is so rewarding! They have a way of putting stuff in perspective really. I look at my lifestyle, and realise that if we were going to have children that I would have to cut my hours, that I would want to move out of this area I love because I want them to have the air and space I had as a child, and that my priorities would change. All that in a week! Even simple pleasure is derived from laughing at Spongebob Squarepants with them. The love and affection you feel towards them is so pure it is incredible. But what surprises me most is the sheer responsibility. I sort of knew it - after all so many of you have had children, but to be confronted with it - well, my respect for all the parents has gone up again. especially single parents, I do not know how you manage it. I suppose because you must. But I envy you every minute of it. So I am back to my normal life now, but I miss the constant noise, the insistent calls and the sense of family life with children. The point is that I want you in my life more than ever, and it shall be my cross to bear that I am not part of your life. I hope that your parents truly realise how lucky they are to have you. I would give anything to have you. I love you.