Are you here?

Darling Little One I suppose that this is the toughest time so far for me. I know you must have been due and are probably born now and obviously I have not seen you and had no contact from your mum. I don't know what to say about that. I really had hoped that she would at least tell me that you had been born and whether she knew who your father was. I suppose it was an unrealistic hope for all the reasons that you know. I hope that you are enjoying real life and feel the glorious sunshine on your skin. I envy your mum and dad, I freely admit it getting to be with you and cuddling you. I really do wish I could share in their joy. My joy is confined to your existence and the warm feeling that you are alive and well in my mind, and hopefully in real life. I have struggled to write still because of this, but also because my wife and I have decided to separate. We want very different things, but we want to remain friends. She would have taken you in with me had your mum and dad not wanted you, and I would be grateful to her for that, but I wonder how happy we all would have been. Anyway it is irrelevant now. I feel better for making the decision because once I am divorced I can follow some of my dreams. Not you, you understand, much as I love you and you are a dream of mine, it must be you or your mum who contacts me. The temptation to write to her is enormous, to ask her for a photo, to ask her to let me meet you, to ask her for the truth, but ultimately it would hurt everyone involved. I still think of you day and night and they are good thoughts. I have decided to write to you every week. I think that it means that I can get on with life, but at the same time maintain a relationship with you (a fairly one sided one!) I want to remember all of these feelings and give you the opportunity to see the world through my eyes. Welcome to the World Little One. I love you Love always x

Sometimes it is difficult to write

Darling Little One I am not sure why I have found it difficult to write recently. I am sorry that it is the case that I have. I suppose it is mainly because you could arrive in the world at any time and I have to confess… I am scared. I’m scared of so much. I am scared of never seeing you. Of never knowing the truth about you. Of never knowing you. I suppose it is a bit of a cop out. You mean the world to me and as everything else in my life is crumbling, you are my ray of light, the proof that the future is worthwhile. I need to tell you what else is going on. I am getting divorced. My wife blames you, or rather, she blames your mother for this, but it is not the case. Well, not directly anyway: she and I want different things. I want a happy, normal marriage and children and she does not. This has made our relationship impossible to continue. You have made all this happy and I am so grateful to you for just being you and your mother for showing me another way. I never wanted to hurt my wife, but she has hurt me so much over the last few years and you made me realise what was important to me. I will try and continue with this blog. You are worth it, but in some ways I feel that I should let you go, not because I want to, but it would be easier for everyone involved. But either way my heart truly belongs to you. I love you. xxxx