Working

Darling Little One, Sorry I have not written, I have been preparing for a job interview and out and about. Life sometimes means you do not have time for the important things and you are definitely the most important thing. I feel pangs of guilt for not having written. I am sorry. The job interview went really well and now all I have to do is wait. Whether I get the job or not I can hand on heart say that I gave it my all and delivered a good performance. Sometimes you do your very best and there is someone better than you. There is no shame in that. But it is alwas important to do the best you can. I suppose for some years I have been slacking, forgetting some of the important things. Thankfully I have you to think about and to inspire me. I hope that everything is ok with you. I think of you always. Love you xxx

Missed you

Darling Little One, I am finally back from being away. The hardest thing about it was not being able to write to you. I miss this contact, where I can share my thoughts and life with you. Obviously there is lots I do not talk about, not because I don't want to, but because this is about you and me. I have thought about you a lot and how much I want to be a father. I am now convinced that I will not be giving you a half brother or sister in my marriage. It saddens me greatly. I suppose the problem is that I have so much to give to a child and I really want to give a life to someone that is everything it can be. I apreciate that if I am your father, I have partly achieved that, but it is the life experience and love that I want to give. I am pushing 40 now and these dreams are just receding. It is a constant source of sorrow for me. I hope that you have an opportunity to have a family. I would urge you to take that oppportunity earlier rather than later like your mum did. If you find someone to have a child with, make sure early on that they understand that. And please understand that when you are young it often seems like an imposition to have children, but most of us change our minds when we get older. I mean this advice in the best possible way - you have to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. I am doing that now, but my regrets are great. I do not want you to suffer in the same way I am. I love you Little One. xxx

Off for work

Darling Little One, It is getting so close to your birth and I am quite irrationally excited by it. Funny I have not seen you, or rather any pictures of you, since the 13 week scan that was three months ago. I still look at the pictures from that scan everyday. I cannot begin to tell you how much I miss being in your presence. I am off now for a work visit for the next week, and I really do not know if I will have any internet access, and that, of course, means I may not be able to write. I will be thinking of you everyday as I always do. You give me strength and inspire me to be better. I hope that everything is ok and you are getting bigger and stronger and ready to meet the world for the first time. Maybe one one day our worlds will meet too. Love you Little One. xxx

Weekend revelations

Little One, I hope that you are ok. I am good at the moment having had an interesting weekend. I have to admit that I had a bit of an epiphany - I realised that no matter how much I love my wife, I cannot carry on my marriage without children. I now have to talk to her about it, but the main reason she told me that she could not have children was because of her medication. Having now checked, I know that this is not strictly true, there is a higher than normal chance of birth abnormality, but this is a risk that I am prepared to take, and if she wishes to be with me, so must she. You are not the main cause of this but my feelings for you, or more how I feel about children now, is just too strong to ignore. I will end up resenting her or resenting me if I do not have a baby with someone who wants to be with me. Hopefully it will mean that one day you will have a half brother or sister that you can meet and be close to. It is funny how you have touched me and changed my life. Despite the pain of being away from you, you make me happy and I need more of that happiness in my life. Love you xxxx

Brothers

My darling little one, I have been talking to my brother today. He lives in America and we do not often get to see each other. He is having similar problems to me, in the sense that he also really wants children but his partner does not. I did not realise that he was so keen to be a parent. Sometimes there are things about your family that you do not know, and it is down to lack of communication. I barely talk to my sister who lives 10 miles away from me. I do talk to my parents a lot and see them often, but have been unable to summon the courage to talk about you. I wish that things were different sometimes and that I could talk freely about all this. I hope that you will not have these problems with your parents and any siblings you have. We all drift away from each other, but family is so important. I suppose I cannot in truth say blood is thicker than water because of the paternity issue, but, at the same time the moral meaning remains. I am sure that your mum will talk to you and you can trust her. She is very caring. Anyway it is the weekend again so I will only be able to think of you, not write to you. I will be thinking of you a lot. Love always xxx

Talking about you

Darling Little One, Last night I went out with my best friend who, were you and I together, would be like an aunt to you. We had a lovely evening and talked about you, me and her planning to have another child. This was delightful if tinged with sadness for both of us as we both want you to be part of our lives. The best bit though was on my way home. I was reading a book on parenting that she gave me and an old couple asked me when you were due. For five glorious moments I was able to talk about you and the joy I feel about your impending birth. It was one of those things I feel I had missed out on, being able to talk like a proud father to be. It was a bit of fantasy on my part obviously, but I told no falsehoods and allowed myself this piece of happiness. I cannot begin to tell you how fantastic it felt being able to talk about you without having to explain the situation or talk about my unhappiness of not having you in my life. Maybe it was wrong, but it was one of the best experiences of my life. I would not have given it up for anything. It also made me think about all the good things you represent and the happiness you bring to so many people. Love you Little One xxx

Worried

Little One, I am in a dilemma. I know from the anon website that your mum is unhappy about something. She has a history of a certain sort of problem and I am worried that she is unwell. I want to call. I want to ask how she is. I do not feel that it would be welcome, so I asked on the anon website and have not had a response. It saddens me. I do care about her, not only as your mother but also as a friend. And we were friends, well, at least as far as I am concerned. I try not to make things difficult for her, but knowing she is unhappy and my helplessness is a bad combination. I am thinking of her. I am fond of her. I wish I could provide support. Sorry Little One. Sorry that when it matters I am not able to help. Maybe one day that will change. Love always xxx

Hello sunbeam

Little One, I hope that you are warm and safe in your mummy's tummy. I am feeling upbeat as I have just finished a 45 minute jog and put in a job application today. As I said to you earlier in the year I need to change things about myself to ensure that we have the maximum chance of seeing each other. I am doing that properly and am currently exercising for around an hour a day. It is easier than I thought it would be, but that is not to say that it is easy! I hope that you do not let yourself go to the extent that I did for so long. Your health is very important and it is the easiest thing to get wrong. I was not joking when I said to you that you should engage in team sports. It is important for your social skills as well. Being a rounded person is hard - harder than you think it will be and successful people often get it right younger rather than older. None of us are perfect, but I hope you instinctively get it right. Thinking of you little one Love always xxx

Leisure and advice

Sweet Little One, It is the weekend again so immediately more difficult to write to you because of the home situation. I still think of you all the time and think of all the things I would like to do with you at the weekends. I like sailing. It is a relaxing hobby that I rarely get to indulge in. It would be so lovely for you and me to go out on a dinghy and sail on the sea. It was one of the few pastimes that I shared with my father and was bonding. Even better if you can take a fishing rod and try catching your supper (not mine as I do not eat fish!). I am becoming very aware of the world around me and the things that I would want you to see. There is a life out there for you that means that you do not fall into the traps of complacency that so many of us do fall into. I do not know what your parents will encourage you to do, but I would encourage you to experience as much as you can. Go travelling. Go to university (in that order. Walk and observe nature. Sharpen your senses. I am more aware at the ripe old age of 37 than I ever was before - I hope you do not leave it so late. Love you little one xxx

What I'd like to do..

Darling Little One, I would like to see the world a happier place. People often ask can one person make a difference? I personally believe that they can, but need the motivation and the drive to do so. I would like to make a difference so I am going to start doing some voluntary work with a charity. As you may or may not have been told I have certain specialist skills that I am going to use to try and help people. I have come to realise that I have spent too long only helping those close to me when in fact I could do more. It is, to be fair, also part of trying to set an example to you. You may not be there to witness it, but I can tell you about it here. I am increasingly disillusioned with this world and I want to help it heal in my own way. Then, maybe, it can be a better world for you. This sounds pretentious but it is well intentioned and I hope that it will be a good thing. Hope that everything is going well. You will be in your third trimester now- time has flown by! I cannot wait for you to be born, and I really hope that your mum sends me a picture of you. Love always. xxx

Duties of care

Darling Little One, I am off to the doctors soon to take a friend to have her leg seen at. She is a dear friend to me and has had more than her fair share of bad luck when it comes to medical problems. I am going to support her because she needs someone to hold her hand. I tell you this because it is important that you take care of your friends and family at all times. Often they are all you have in difficult times. We all have our arguements and spats, but ultimately the people you care about are more important than anything else. Sadly the world you will inherit does not share my view on all this. Materialism, self interest and isolationism seems to be the way of the world these days. I hope that you will stand out from the crowd and be a caring individual. In fact I know you will be. Love always. xxxx

New year resolutions

Darling Little One, I don't usually believe in New Year resolutions but this year I have you to think of. So in order to prolong my life and therefore increase the probability of being in your life, I have decided to do the following: Give up smoking (Jan 23rd) Get fitter (already started with Yoga and exercise) Lose another two stone (lost two stone in 2008). All of these things will add to my life expectancy. You are a great motivation to me and you are truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope that I will get to see you someday. Love always xxx

How does it feel?

Little one, I have been thinking a lot about pregnancy the last few days. I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant. I have felt baby's kick in their mum's tummies, I have been with pregnant women, I have spoken to friends at length about it but I suppose it is just the curse of my sex that I will never experience it. I suppose that is the bitterest part of this at the moment. I would have loved to share this pregnancy with your mum even if ultimately she was not with me and with your dad. I suppose I just do not understand why she has cut me out. I am sure it would be obvious if I could be objective about this, but I still find it difficult. I hope that one day I will have my own children so I can experience this, but for the time being I will just have to wonder. Anyway, whilst this might sound negative, it's not. I know why I talk about it - it is because I am worried about you and that is normal for someone who feels like a parent. I am still just happy that you are alive. Love always xxx

Happy New Year!

Little One, Well this is actually going to be your first year of course, but I want every year to be happy for you. It will be happy for me because you will be here and I am trying to sort out my life. I hope that I will get to see you and I suppose know the truth. If you are not mine, I think I am going to be heartbroken... I am just so pleased that you, my first child, will be born and I think I can deal with the hardship of not being a dad to you because I trust your mum and dad. I wish them the best too, but of course I cannot tell them. I know sometimes I am contradictory in my feelings about all this, but you really are the best thing ever. April will be the most exciting month ever. Love you little one. Love always xxx