A poem about you

Darling little one, I wrote a poem about you. I hope you like it if you ever read it. I see your face in my dreams I cradle your body in my arms The world is still or so it seems So excited in a perfect calm I feel your tiny fingers around mine Your face questions the sensation Whilst mine just stares and shines You are a wonder, my great elation I love you, unconditionally I love you, silently I love you, though we are severed I love you always and forever. You're timeless in my mind In a simple moving image You were never mine but I love that image. Love you. xxx

Happy inspiration

Darling Little One, I am a happy chap today. Not sure why - work is going well, but my thoughts of separation are playing on my mind a little bit. Nevertheless, it is not long til you are born and that is a huge plus for me. Whenever I imagine you, you are a happy baby but so small. Not small for a baby mind, just small next to a 6'1, 17 stone man like me. I often imagine your tiny hand in mine and my hand touching your soft face. It is of course a fantasy really but, I can live our lives through my dreams and I find it inspirational. You are the greatest part of my life and whilst you don't know it, I am here for you always and forever. I love you xxxx

Feeling down

Darling little one, Sorry been feeling down recently. My world is falling to pieces currently and it is taking all my effort to remain positive. I did have a lovely holiday with my nieces and nephews but I was surrounded by pregnant women and toddlers. It made me think of you, which was good, but also the sadness of not having the children permanently in my life. My wife told me she intended to get sterilised last night to make sure I knew there was no chance of her having children. It was a massive blow - as you know I have hoped and hoped that she would change her mind, but now I know it is not going to happen. I suppose I have a choice now. Stay and hope that at some point we will get to meet each other ro go and make a new life for myself. Times like this are really hard for people. People on the whole do not like change - it frightens them, and I am no different. I have been with her for 20 years and this will be a horrific change for me. Sometimes we need to make the hard choices to get what we want and I am afraid sooner or later you will face a tough decision. It is worse because it comes so soon after making the decision not to try and force myself into your life. That was the honourable and right thing to do though so in some ways it is easier. Sorry that you have to read about this, but I promised you the highs and lows and experience. I love you. Been too long since I told you that. I love you more than anything else. Love always xxxx

Another holiday

Daling little one, I hope that you are growing and enjoying your time in the womb! I am off on holiday again with my nieces and nephews. It is going to be wonderful to see them again and to play and just have children around me. It does make me slightly sad about our position but I have no power over that so I will make the most of what I have. I do miss seeing you grow and think of it often. I still dream of you many times and it is a comfort. I wish it were more. I still feel that shiver of excitement whenever I think of you, I just cannot stop myself. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I will always love the idea of you even if I cannot give you the love I want to give you. I will try and write whilst I am holiday. Thinking of you always. With love xxx

Peer pressure

Darling Little One, I am sadly suffering from peer pressure and it is all about you. I have very few people that I talk to you about, and they are all trying to persuade me to push your mum for testing and for access. I am reluctant as you know because I do not want to endanger chances of us having a relationship in the future and because I care deeply about your mum. It is true that my friends and family have your and my best interests at heart, but I cannot allow myself that luxury, or at least in my case. You are really the only thing that matters in this situation. They all know I would do anything for you and I suppose they are trying to protect and help me achieve that. Sometimes (and if you read through of the blog, you can tell when) I feel that they are right, but ultimately they do not know your mother, what a good woman she is and how she will give you the best start in life. I hope that if it transpires that you are "our" child (not that she would ever describe the situation that way), she will be honest with you. Equally I hope that she will be honest with me. In emergency situations it is important to know that she can contact me. I hope that you are well. Only a few more weeks and you will be here! It is so exciting! Love always xxx