Been a long time...

Darling Little One, I am sorry it has been a long time since I wrote to you. It is not always easy to write, and whilst I feel guilty about not writing, I have been thinking about you all the time. In fact thinking is all I ever do. I am getting to a bit of a quandry and am going to explain this to you. I want to see you. This is not going to make your mum or dad happy. I think I will know if I can see you and I suspect I am not going to get the paternity test that I want. This, of course, runs the risk of alienating your mum, but I just do not know what else to do. This is tearing me up inside and I need to sort myself out sooner or later. What I do not want is to be in doubt for the rest of my life, never knowing if there is some chance that you might turn up and say - 'Hey I'm your son'. I can deal with the doubt if I know the truth, or at least I can deal with it better. So this is what I have been thinking of. It was your mum's birthday the other day and I managed to resist sending her a card. I wanted to of course but I didn't. Goodness only knows what will happen when I want to send you cards and presents. Won't be allowed of course. This is not a good situation my darling, but at least you will be born and be the best thing in all our lives. Love always xx